Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
by AppleGoddess
Summary: The tv show the bachelor comes to FBV! Seven girls all after one man. What will happen? R and R, but warning: Its rated R, with reason. Completed.
1. Round One: The Neverending Nightmare

Disclaimer:  
  
Hannah: I do not own Harvest Moon. O_o; Nor do I own the Bachelor. So there!  
  
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~*~Seven Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, Mary, Popuri, Sara, Jill. ~*~  
  
As the chickens pecked at the chicken feed in the chicken barn and the cows ate their fodder, one unsuspecting gentleman was about to have his life changed FOREVER. He would soon be joined by seven young ladies, vying for his affection.  
  
He would first meet the young ladies, and take them on dates. Later on, meeting their parents, and perhaps even popping "the big question". This fellow was about to go on a journey of a lifetime, a journey for love.  
  
The doorbell rang, and a man with dark brown hair wearing blue overalls, a blue cap, and a red hankerchief tied around his neck opened the door. "Why hello!" He said, smiling to the cameras, and one very cute brunette standing outside his door.  
  
The brunette was wearing a white tank top, and blue jeans. She grinned, "I know I'm hot, and you can't resist me, but you must." She turned around, taunting him by shaking her behind till the cameraman asked her to stop. "Oh, right..well I'm Hannah the host of THE BACHELOR, and you, Jack are the bachelor."  
  
"Hell yeah!" he exclaimed with delight. "I'm so happy, so where are my whores?" he asked, over eagerly.  
  
Hannah looked at him strangely, "Ahem, Your WHORES?!?" She put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.  
  
"I mean.uhm.beautiful young ladies." Jack corrected himself, turning beat red. "I really did mean to say that, honest!"  
  
"Well let's get one thing straight. They are not YOUR whores. They are MY whores.I pimp them.." Hannah yelled harshly, all of a sudden a lawyer appeared. Hannah looked astonished, and started stuttering nervously. "I m- mean.erm, t-they aren't really mine per say." The lawyer glared at her with the purest of evil in his dark eyes. Hannah couldn't take it anymore, she broke. "They are Natsume's whores!" Hannah yelled out, as tears filled her eyes. "I am a fraud!" The lawyer nodded satisfied with this, and disappeared.  
  
Jack looked at Hannah as if nothing had just happened. "So when will they be here?"  
  
Hannah grinned, right before she could say a word the doorbell rang again. Jack opened the door and a cute brunette, with blonde highlights and beautiful green eyes was standing there, smiling. "I think I'm in love." Jack told himself.  
  
Although the girl was very pretty, Hannah could see something else too. She sensed this girl had a TRUE MURDEROUS NATURE!  
  
"Hi..I'm Karen." The girl said, giving Jack a sly wink and inviting herself in. "Got any booze?"  
  
Jack smiled, "I'm Jack!" he yelled out loudly. "Shit! Real smooth." Jack slapped his forehead, talking to himself.  
  
Karen looked the boy up and down. "Well that's nice, but what I really want is some booze. Got any?"  
  
Jack looked at Karen strangely, then shrugged. "I should have some in the fridge."  
  
"Excellent." With that said, Karen proceeded into Jack's kitchen. The sound of rustling bottles was heard. Suddenly, Jack heard a glass break, he jumped up stunned and ran into the kitchen, where he saw her drinking a glass of wine. Three bottles were already finished, and thrown on the floor. Shattered glass surrounded the table as Karen giggled. "I'm easy when I'm drunk." She muttered.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY KITCHEN?!" Jack lashed out.  
  
Karen suddenly erupted into laughter. "Relax dude! It's just booze!" she said, taking another gulp. "Fuck yeah!" She lashed out, throwing the glass against the wall. "I am hammered! I feel so friggin raunchy now!"  
  
Jack's frown suddenly disappeared and a sick grin crossed his face. "Alright then Let's go get jiggy!" he yelped as he tugged on her hand, causing her to fall out of the chair and onto the glass. "Eep! I'm so sorry!"  
  
Karen growled. "Oh god yes!" She got up, rubbing her thighs. "How I long for someone..I feel, so horny." She said giggling, and slurring her words. "I need a man to pleasure me."  
  
"I'll pleasure you!" Jack volunteered.  
  
"Eww!" Karen screamed, glaring at Jack, while grabbing another glass to fill with wine. "I would never sleep with you! Don't talk to me so much!"  
  
Jack gasped. "What did I do wrong?!"  
  
"Everything! I hate you! Go to hell you hell whore!" She broke the bottle over his head and hissed. "I can't believe you would even consider me in the same ranks of you! You disgusting piece of shit!" She began kicking his unconscious body. "I'll be in the shower, and when I come out THERE BETTER BE A GLASS OF WINE WAITING FOR ME!" She sealed the deal with one last kick and retreated to the bathroom to shower.  
  
Hannah shook her head laughing. "Pathetic." She crawled over to Jack, and slapped him. "Wakey wakey! Eggs and Bakey!"  
  
Suddenly Jack shot up, "No! Please don't molest me!" realizing the actual situation, Jack turned a flustered red. "I mean.well, you could if you wanted to!"  
  
Hannah turned pale, "What do you think I am?! SOME KIND OF WHORE?!"  
  
"Well...." Jack started, as he began to trail off.  
  
"Don't answer that!" Hannah slapped him again. Suddenly, moans were heard from Jack's bathroom. "What the hell is that?" She questioned. Getting up, and quietly tip-toeing over to the door, Hannah pressed her ear against the door.  
  
Jack gasped. "Hey! She's taking a shower in there!" after saying that, an idea crossed his mind. "Unless you wanted to join her?"  
  
Ignoring Jack's comment, Hannah began to open the door. She slowly peered inside. "ACK!" Nothing had prepared her for what she had seen in that moment. Karen was in the shower alright, along with half the town's males including the harvest sprites!  
  
"Would you like to come in?" Karen asked, in a sluttish manner. Hannah shook her head frightened. "No it's quite alright."  
  
"I'd love to join you!" Jack smiled.  
  
Karen threw her head back sheepishly as she was thrusted from many different directions. "I don't think so, Jacky boy. I don't sleep with men who have small wee-wee's."  
  
"WHAT?! Where did you get that information?!" Jack cried out.  
  
"In Mineral Village's 'People' magazine! They said that sex with you is like a dentist, you don't feel a thing." Karen laughed. "Looking at you, I could have guessed that. They also said you have crabs."  
  
"I do not!" Jack yelled as he pulled his pants down revealing himself. Suddenly everyone erupted into laughter. "It's not that small!"  
  
"I've seen smaller." Hannah remarked. "Then again, I always give my infant cousins baths." She shrugged.  
  
Karen was laughing too. "I'll have sex with you when hell freezes over you small-dick loser!" with that said, the bathroom door slammed shut, and the doorbell rang.  
  
"Your second guest is here." Hannah stated the obvious.  
  
Jack quickly scurried over to the front door to greet his new guest. "hello!" he said eagerly as he opened the door to a short, and fat girl with short brown hair and chestnut eyes. She wore an old fashioned dress and apron.  
  
The girl smiled and hugged him tightly. "Hi! I'm Elli!" the hug she gave him was more of a bear hug, crushing him. "So.where's the food?"  
  
Jack sighed. Wasn't anybody actually interested in him? "The food is in the fridge."  
  
"YAY!" Elli jumped with glee as she ran into his kitchen. Jack followed her cautiously. Elli opened his fridge and immediately began stuffing her face with every visible item on the shelf.  
  
"Slow down!" Jack cried. "Your going to eat all my food supply!"  
  
After finishing every content the fridge stored, she looked up at him with sad eyes. "Are you calling me fat?!" She demanded to know.  
  
"Well.." Jack stammered.  
  
"DAMN YOU!" Elli cried as she threw the fridge down onto the ground and shoved the whole thing into her mouth. "Delicious." Was all she could say, wiping her mouth.  
  
Jack looked at the girl stunned. "Anything else?" He asked, quite scared of her now.  
  
"Yes. I am still quite hungry. GIVE ME MORE FOOD!" Elli made her way to the kitchen table and sat on one of the chairs, accidentally breaking it. "Oops. Oh well, now where's my food?!"  
  
Just then, Karen walked out fully naked from the shower and sat next to Elli. "WHERE'S MY GLASS I ASKED FOR?!" Karen yelled angrily. "I want beer!"  
  
"I want food!" Elli cried.  
  
"Shut up fatty!" Karen snapped as she pushed the obese girl off her broken chair. Jack placed a non-alcoholic beer on the table. "Good." Karen said. Jack was glad that both girls had stopped their bitching. Elli was eating the floor tiles, as Karen was finished her non-alcoholic beer. "That was shit." She said as she grabbed another and downed it anyway.  
  
The doorbell rang again, and Hannah smirked. "Are you sure you want to answer that?" Jack sighed, and made his way to the door.  
  
As he opened it, he noticed this girl was different. This girl had long braided orange hair, and dirty overalls. "Hi!" She squealed. "I'm Ann and nothings better than being in good spirits!"  
  
"Indeed." Jack nodded, knowing that soon she'd be as crazed as the others.  
  
"Let's go for a walk, I really want to see your animals!" She smiled merrily.  
  
"Actually I would prefer it if we stayed inside." Jack said flatly.  
  
"I SAID I WANTED TO GO SEE YOUR ANIMALS!" Ann screamed as she punched him.  
  
Jack started to cry, but bit his lip. This girl was a crazy man beater. "I thought you all cute and innocent."  
  
"I am!" Ann smiled innocently, as she made a cute pose. "Now, Let me see your goddamn animals!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him into the barn. "See? Wasn't that nice?"  
  
Jack nodded, too scared to talk. Ann looked around the barn and seen a cow. Skipping over to the cow she began to pet it. "What a pretty cow!" She smiled with glee.  
  
"Yeah whatever." Jack said, obviously not caring.  
  
Suddenly Ann got down on all fours and began mooing. "Moo! Mooooooooo!" She rubbed herself against Jack's cow, then proceeded to where the fodder was and began eating some.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Jack shouted as his eyes widened by ten inches.  
  
"I think it is important to be one with the animal. We are all one." Ann breathed deeply as she dunked her head back into the fodder box.  
  
Just then, the door swung open and standing in the doorway were none other than.  
  
"Elli! Karen!" Jack exclaimed. "How nice to see you two again!"  
  
"Trying to ditch us, Jacky-boy?!" Karen asked as she clenched her fists. Her words were slurred but her anger was as clear as day.  
  
"Jack! I thought you loved me!" Elli cried.  
  
"I never said that!" Jack denied. "I don't know what your talking about."  
  
Elli sniffled, trying to hold back tears. "Well.I love you!"  
  
Ann raised her head from the fodder box. "Oh, no you didn't!" She made bull horns with her fingers as ran into Elli, but bounced off her flab. "Mooooooo.." Ann cried in pain.  
  
"Oh! More food!" Elli smiled happily as she sat down next to the feeding bin and snacked on the fodder.  
  
Karen fell down, the world was a colorful dream land now, with fairies and magical bushes. "I will lend you my services Mr.Cabbage, for a dollar fifty." Was all Jack could clearly understand.  
  
Ann remained on the ground, clutching in pain. Hannah opened the barn door, and smiled at Jack. "Another girl is here." She revealed, as she moved aside and a nerdy girl with long black hair and glasses stood beside her.  
  
The girl turned a flustered red, and her glasses began to fog up. "h-hi. I- I-I am.um.I..I'm.Mary."  
  
"Nice to meet you Mary!" Jack said cheerfully as he grabbed her hand and shook it.  
  
"N-no! Please d-don't.umm.touch me." Mary said quietly as she tried pulling her hand back. She immediately sprayed anti-bacterial liquid on her hand. "M-my mom said t-that I could..umm..get pregnant if a-a b-boy touches...me."  
  
Jack was stunned. "Well, uh.I didn't know that." He said, scratching the back of his head a little sheepishly.  
  
"It is a good f-fact to know." Mary nodded, as she took out a novel. "I added it to my book of facts which I am writing."  
  
"Woah! You're a writer? That's so impressive!" Jack applauded.  
  
Mary blushed, "T-thank you Jack."  
  
Suddenly Karen got up. "I WANT A MARTINI!"  
  
Tears formed in Mary's eyes as her biggest fear was confirmed. "K-Karen?!" with no hesitation, Mary turned around and ran from the barn screaming.  
  
Jack looked back at the three girls in the barn, and decided it was time to go back to his house. As he stepped outside to look for Mary, he bumped into a girl in a huge dress, with long wavy pink hair, and red eyes. "Oh sorry!" he apologized, helping her up.  
  
"Oh! Its Jack! Jacky-Jacky-Jacky-Jack! Woohoo! Go Jack!" She jumped on him, hugging him tightly and cutting off his circulation. He fell unconscious in her arms. "Oh my god! He does love me! YAY! Oh my god! Jack is like, my idol! Whee! So what's up? Not much! I like candy! Yes! Sugar is good! Whee! I'm talking to myself!"  
  
Jack woke up to Popuri's annoying voice, and stared up at the scarey looking girl. "Erm.." He really wanted to ask her about her eyes, and why she chose the color she did. Red. She looked like the daughter of hell, or some mutant spawn. Perhaps she was just high?  
  
Popuri read Jack's mind. "THINKING ABOUT MY EYES EH!" Her eyes began circling. "I read your mind..." Her head twisted around like the exorcist. "NOW I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER YOU AT ALL! GOT THAT! HUH?!?"  
  
Jack cowered. "Yes." He caved in and cried.  
  
"Good! Yay!" Popuri resumed to being cheerful. She jumped on Jack, hugging him again. "I wuv you!"  
  
The door of the barn behind them, suddenly broke off it's hinges. Standing there, was Karen with a large gun. "GET AWAY FROM MY MAN! YOU SATANIC WHORE!"  
  
Jack gasped happily. "Your man?!" anime hearts flew around his head.  
  
Popuri made a fireball appear in her hand, and formed it into a spear. "I will kill you Karen, and believe me you WILL go to hell. We can be friends forever there!"  
  
Karen suddenly thought about it. "Fuck it! Jack isn't worth Popuri's company." She scurried back into the barn.  
  
Popuri stood there dumbfounded. "How come they always run away?"  
  
Jack shrugged. "I'll be right back, okay?"  
  
Popuri nodded quickly. "You better be telling me the truth. Remember I'm watching you." The glow of her red eyes confirmed this.  
  
Jack ran off, trying to escape his farm of terror but when he reached the gate he saw Hannah chatting with a sixth girl. This girl also had brown hair, and looked a lot like Elli but she was in farm gear and was petite. "Hi!" the girl shouted as she marched over to Jack. "My name is Sara." Her voice was deep, much like a man's which really scared him. "I'm new here, my father just died, and our farm was sold.I'm from Harvest Moon: Gameboy 3, so that's why you probably don't recognize me! I'm 3d!"  
  
Jack had nothing to say. He just stood there, mentally tired of all these freaks.  
  
Sara took out her hoe, and marched over to Jack's fields. "Your fields are horrible! I have to take over." She said, as she began raking his fields. "Farm work isn't hard." She laughed. Jack knew this was the perfect opportunity to check her body out. What he noticed wasn't something he wanted to notice though. Her pant's had a bulge. Not only that, but underneath her arm pits were bushes of hair. Jack wanted to gouge his eyes out.  
  
Hannah tapped Jack on the shoulder. "The last girl is about to arrive. I'll gather the other girls into your living room." She said, as she skipped off merrily.  
  
The last girl to show up, was a cute petite girl, with overalls much like Ann's but her hair was long and blonde looking like silk. Her eyes were a sapphire blue. Jack was already head over feet for this girl, but like he had learned earlier with Karen. Don't judge a book by it's cover. She walked up to him. "Like, helllloooooo" She smiled. "I am like, soo happy to meet you! Your like, a farmer right? Like cool! I like, do, like, that, like too. Isnt that cool?" Jack nodded. "I like, see you, like to, like, breathe too. We like, have so, like much in like, common!" Once again Jack nodded. "Well I like, guess I like, should like, introduce myself. Like, I'm Jill." She shook his hand, then went inside.  
  
Jack followed Jill inside, and found himself surrounded by the freaks he had met earlier. Hannah stood, and began narrating. "Hello Jack. Here are the seven lovely ladies. There were originally eight but the eighth one, Ellen also known as Elli's grandmother died." Elli blew her nose into Jack's red hankerchief. "Now, it's time to choose the first dates! Each date will be with Jack, and two girls. There will be three group dates, and one lucky girl will get to go on a single date with Jack. Jack, who accompanies you to your first date?"  
  
Jack thought for a moment, he so badly wanted to say 'no one'. "Well how about, Ann and Elli?"  
  
"Okay then! You three are off to Mount Moon. Have fun!" Hannah shoved the three out the door, mischievously sticking an "eat me" sign on Jack's back.  
  
Jack walked Ann and Elli up moon mountain, and sat down once he reached the peak. "It's so beautiful." He said, admiring the view from atop.  
  
Elli wasted no time and began eating the fruits and bushes scattered across the grassy ground. Ann smiled as a bird perched itself on her head. "hi little guys!" she squealed with delight.  
  
Jack sat there bored out of his mind, with these two freaks. Elli was growing hungrier by the second and began snacking on the trees, while Ann scratched herself constantly. "I think I have flea's."  
  
After fifteen minutes of Ann's scratching and Elli's eating, Jack decided he had enough and took the two ladies back to his farm. His next two choices were none other than..  
  
"Sara and Jill." The two ladies nodded, and walked outside with him. They were ready for a walk on the town. They entered Flower Bud Village and Jill squealed with delight. "Like, this is like, paradise!" she ran from store to store. "I like, am like, having sooooo like much fun!"  
  
Meanwhile Sara thought it would be fun to surprise Jack with her wrestling skills. She sneaked up behind him and gave him a full nelson. Jack, although surprised knew that no woman had that much power. Sara then turned her nelson into a headlock, Jack turned pale has he was forced against her bushy armpits and the odor that drenched her clothes. "Oh my god!" Jack screamed. "Please stop!"  
  
Sara smiled, "Say, Sara is beautiful." She tightened her grip, forcing him closer to that horrible smell. His face grew paler.  
  
"Sara is-fuck it!" he collapsed.  
  
Sara loosened her grip and Jack fell face first into the concrete. "Boring."  
  
Jill returned from her shopping frenzy with twelve shopping bags full. "Oh no! These are too heavy! Jaaaack, can you carry them for me?" She looked down at Jack who was laying there lifeless. "Thanks!" She beamed, as she dropped the bags on his head and ran back to his farm. Sara followed Jill, staring at her ass the whole way.  
  
When Jack woke up, he grabbed the bags and returned to his ranch where the next two girls waited. "Mary, and Karen onto the next date!"  
  
Mary shuffled her feet, trying her best to keep quiet while Karen blew into Jack's ear. They made their way to the beach and sat down on the warm sand.  
  
"Oh Jack..you are so fugly." Karen smiled, flirtatiously.  
  
Jack looked back at Mary who was reading a novel then shrugged. "ah what the hell! Karen, I want you.now."  
  
Karen grinned, she turned on and off like a tap. "What?" she gasped. "Jack! I told you I HATE you! Now GET AWAY FROM ME!" she took out a bottle of beer and downed it.  
  
Jack sat there dumbfounded, this was the last straw. "Why don't you just stop acting like SUCH A BITCH?!"  
  
Karen glared at Jack evilly. "Why don't you get a bigger dick, and then, maybe I will."  
  
This stopped Jack right in his tracks. Jack stared out into the ocean, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I will get a bigger dick! You just wait and see Karen!" Jack thought about the dick pump he had seen on television.  
  
"Good boy, till then You shall remain..a VIRGIN!"  
  
*gasp!*  
  
"Let's go home." Jack said, anxious to get this embarrassing date over with. He brought the two ladies back to his farm, when he suddenly realized who was left for his single date...  
  
"JACKY!" Popuri screamed as she jumped from his roof, onto Jack's shoulders, causing him to loose balance and fall.  
  
"Are you CRAZY?!" he asked her, stunned.  
  
Hannah slowly opened Jack's front door, and from inside said "Do you really need to ask that?"  
  
"Wait, no. She IS crazy" Jack thought out loud.  
  
Hannah nodded, and closed the door.  
  
Jack looked back at Popuri who was picking flowers. "Whee! Yay! I like flowers! Yes I do! I like flowers, how about you?" She asked, pointing to a bush. Obviously she got no response which had upset her. "ANSWER ME!"...still no answer, finally Popuri had enough and zapped the bush with her eyes, setting it on fire. Suddenly Popuri's head twisted around and spotted Jack. "Now, let's play!"  
  
Jack gulped not knowing what she had in mind..  
  
*5 minutes later*  
  
"I love you Jacky!" Popuri said in a high pitched tone as she banged her Barbie with the pink hair against her naked male Barbie. Surprisingly, this was actually turning Jack on. This disturbed him on so many levels..  
  
Hannah opened the door once again, "Guys, it is now time for the rose ceremony. Popuri go inside and join the others. Jack, we need to talk." Popuri went inside, while Hannah walked out. "Jack, for today's rose ceremony we couldn't find any roses, cause we were cheap and on budget. We did however find these in your fields!" She showed him a pile of weeds. He shrugged. "There are seven girls, but only five weeds. Two of them will be sent home. Each girl was asked to write a letter to you, sort of as their plea to stay. Here they are"  
  
Jack read each letter intently.  
  
Popuri's letter:  
  
Jacky!  
  
I love you! Whee! Yay! We need to make babies! And stuff! So give me a rose and we can get started! Yay!  
  
Mary's letter:  
  
Dear Jack,  
  
I have enjoyed our time together and would be honored if you decide to give me a rose, and continue this journey of love with me.  
  
Karen's letter:  
  
Jak  
  
Yo dude wats up! Well i guess u can tell im not verry good with writeing but i am good at oteher things heehee  
  
Ann's letter:  
  
Hi Jack!  
  
Your animals are adorable, much like you! I think I'm already falling for you so pick me!  
  
Elli's letter:  
  
Hi Jack.  
  
I love you, will you please bake me some pie?  
  
Sara's letter:  
  
Jack!  
  
I must tell you now. We have more in common than you think..hehe  
  
Jill's letter:  
  
Oh my, like god! Like, today was like, fun! Woohoo! Choose me! Like, please?  
  
Jack finished reading the letters and knew what choices he had to make. "I'm ready" he told Hannah, and she let him into the house to face those foul creatures.  
  
"Well" he announced. "It's been interesting, but now is the time in this show where I get rid of two of you. The dreaded rose ceremony. I will miss you both very much, pssht yeah right." *cough* "Anyway, here it goes." He grabbed the first weed, and watched the girls tremble. "Karen."  
  
Karen got up, and almost fell right back down. She walked over to him and snatched the weed. "Yay! I win!" she said slurring, then collapsed onto the floor.  
  
Jack picked up the next weed. "Ann."  
  
Ann let out a "bawk!" in approval. She flapped her arms like a chicken and pecked at Jack's knee. Snatching her weed, she scurried back to her seat.  
  
The third weed was already set. "Popuri."  
  
"Wheeeee!" The demon spawn pranced over and accepted her weed with grace.  
  
Jack picked up the fourth weed. "Elli."  
  
Elli got up and grabbed the weed, she didn't know the use of it so she just shoved it down her throat.  
  
Hannah interrupted, "Jack this is the last rose." She reminded him.  
  
Jack breathed nervously looking at the three remaining girls. Mary's glasses were fogged up, Jill was biting her nails, and Sara cracked her knuckles. "Mary."  
  
Mary was shocked. "umm.Y-yay.thanks J-Jack."  
  
The other two were not as thrilled. Sara shook her fist violently. "I'll get you! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!"  
  
Jack's dog was too busy having sweet passionate bondage sex with a harvest sprite to notice. "echmay potato!" the sprite screamed in ecstasy.  
  
Sara was on a rampage, "I will sue! I WILL! And one more thing! I have a secret!" She screamed.  
  
Jack knew what was coming. "I KNOW ALREADY! YOUR REALLY A MAN!"  
  
Sara gasped, "Actually I'm your sister, BUT YOU JUST SAID I LOOK LIKE A MAN?! WHAT THE HELL!?" With her He-man strength she picked him up over her head and hurled him into the wall. "Eat Cow!" She said, and stormed out the door.  
  
Jill started to cry, "This is all like, too much for like, me!" She sobbed. "I thought I like, had this, but like, I guess I was wrong. I thought we like, had like, a connection.but I like, see you didn't like, feel the same way. I'm like, not sad! I'm like just disappointed. Like, I put it all on the line, and like, got nothing like, in return!" She ran out weeping.  
  
Jack sat up rubbing his sore back. "Oh god, kill me now."  
  
Karen grinned, as the five remaining girls cornered him. "You still have us."  
  
Jack fainted.  
  
Instead of going home in a limo, like the usual ladies on the bachelor. The budget was too low, so the women rode donkeys instead, rented from The Green Ranch.  
  
"I am like, really upset!" Jill sighed, as she rode her donkey. "I like, wanted a pretty weed, but like whatever, I'll go like, buy one."  
  
Riding beside her, Sara had a different view. "Jack better watch out, I'm going to cut his balls off and eat them."  
  
The two rode off into the sunset.  
  
*credits roll* 


	2. Round Two: Conflicted

Disclaimer:  
  
Hannah: You would think on a place like fanfiction.net you wouldn't need disclaimers. Ah what the heck! I don't own anything! Woohoo! O_o  
  
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~*~Five Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, Mary, and Popuri ~*~  
  
It was early morning, and Jack was having a hard time getting out of bed. Slowly he opened his eyes, and in that moment fear filled through his body for what he saw was the most horrific sight he had ever seen.  
  
"Jack! Wakey!" Popuri had her face pressed against Jack's. Her glowing eyes circling. "Oh! Yay! He's awake! Yay! Yay!" Popuri got up, and danced around the room. "I'm dancing, and singing, lalalala! Whee! Yay!" Jack just laid there and stared on, not knowing if he should be scared, or humoured by this.  
  
Suddenly, Karen entered the room with scrambled eggs. "Get the fuck out of bed, dipshit!"  
  
Jack suddenly got the urge to sit up, "Oh! Hi Karen!" He noticed she had made eggs, they were burnt, and still in his frying pan, but eggs non-the- less! "aww, did you make those for me?"  
  
"Hell no!" Karen lashed out. "You have no more friggin food thanks to Elli, so I ran to my place and made some eggs for MYSELF."  
  
Popuri stared at the eggs disgusted. "I wouldn't feed those to my dog."  
  
Karen rolled her eyes, "You don't have a dog."  
  
Popuri smirked. "Exactly."  
  
Karen snapped, "Popuri, you know what? I had enough of your shit!" with that said, Karen hit Popuri with the frying pan. "Bitch!" She hissed.  
  
The evil spawn of the devil laughed evilly, "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT! BWAHAHAHA!"  
  
Suddenly a fireball appeared and a million midgets ran out with pitch forks. They all poked at Karen's butt. "Get the alco-whore!" one yelled, "Die evil bitch of North!" another spoke up. It became apparent that they were all sprites when they chanted "Echmay Potato! Echmay Potato!"  
  
"DIEEEE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" They all stabbed her with force, unfortunately, Karen was too drunk to care. She simply grabbed a garbage bag and stuffed them all inside, then tossed the garbage bag outside.  
  
"Darn!" Popuri snapped. "Well! I would make a much better wife! Jack, honey! I'm going to go water the plants!" She ran out the door.  
  
"Oh Yeah?!" Karen growled. "Challenge accepted! Jack, I'm going to collect and ship your eggs!" Karen left in a hurry as well.  
  
Jack was loving this, "Woohoo! Free labour!"  
  
A few minutes had passed, and Jack wanted to see how well they did. So he walked out, and seen Popuri smiling widely. "I watered your plants honey!" She said. He walked over and noticed only three plants had been watered out of the two hundred he had. He looked back at Popuri and noticed she was watering cement. She made her way to Ann who was chewing on grass in the fields and began to water her as well.  
  
"Nay! Nay!" Ann mumbled in approval.  
  
Jack was really beginning to worry about these girls. He walked over to the chicken coop to see how Karen was doing, but he was not impressed. Eggs were scattered all over the ground, and in the midst of it, Karen was off to the side taking a nap. "here chicken!" Jack looked off to the other side and noticed that most of his chicken's were gone, and Elli was chasing the last chicken he had.  
  
"No! Elli! Please stop!" Jack cried.  
  
Elli stuffed the final chicken into her mouth and belched.  
  
Jack was disturbed, and now deeply upset. He wandered around his farm practically sobbing. Mary noticed how sad he was and took note of it in her notebook.  
  
Meanwhile Popuri and Karen were going at it. "I hate you! You demon spawn whore!"  
  
"I hate you more! You drunken bitch!" the two jumped on top of each other and began pulling each other's hair and slapping each other.  
  
Ann watched the two girls wrestle, and rolled her eyes. "Girls! Enough! Can't you see what's going on?! We're turning against each other, but JACK is the one to blame! He is dating all of us at once!" The two girls realized Ann was right and stood.  
  
"She's right!" Popuri declared. "Let's burn the little bastard!"  
  
"I'll cut off his balls and mail them to Japan!" Karen grinned evilly. "Or.I'll give them to Sara, I heard she wanted that operation anyway."  
  
Ann raised her fist. "Chop him up and feed him to the animals!"  
  
Elli suddenly joined their group, "And we can eat his remains!"  
  
They all shouted in unison "YEAH!!!!!!!!.....wait, eat his remains?! What the fuck?"  
  
Elli glanced from side to side nervously. "I was joking of course."  
  
Karen nodded, "Oh, OF COURSE" *cough*  
  
Ann sighed, "We need weapons though."  
  
Popuri's eyes circled and four flaming sticks appeared. Each girl grabbed one and ran after Jack.  
  
"What the hell?!" Jack asked, stunned as he seen the four girls run at him with flaming weapons.  
  
"LETS BURN HIS NUTS OFF!" Karen yelled. Jack suddenly felt sick. He ran from the four crazy girls who were trying to kill him.  
  
Watching this, Mary got an idea for her new book! She began writing it all down.  
  
The girls chased Jack and eventually cornered him in the fields. Popuri, with a sick grin on her face lit Jack's testicles on fire. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!" He screamed and passed out.  
  
*********************  
  
When Jack woke up, he was in a newly built clinic. "What the hell?" he asked himself. Suddenly he noticed the doctor was feeling his testicles. "WHAT THE HELL?!?!"  
  
The doctor smiled at Jack, "Hello Jack, it seems there was an incident where your nuts caught fire. I am trying my best to repair them."  
  
Jack felt choked up. "Will they be okay?"  
  
"No, they will be even smaller.raisin sized. FOREVER" The doctor told Jack.  
  
Jack didn't take the bad news well. Tears formed in his eyes. "No one will ever love me!"  
  
The doctor got a sick grin. "That's where your wrong. I love you." Taking a step back, the doctor revealed that he was wearing a tutu. "In fact, while you were sleeping, I.."  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Jack cried, "YOU ARE A SICK SICK MAN!" with that said, he sprinted out the door.  
  
"You'll be back!" The doctor called after him. "They always come back."  
  
*********************  
  
Jack knew it wasn't a good idea, but he went back to his farm. The first person he noticed was Karen crying on his doorstep. He slowly walked up to the crying basket case. "Karen, you okay?"  
  
"Yeah I'm okay, loser." She answered harshly. "Get lost."  
  
Jack sat down beside her. "Awww, come on.tell me what's wrong?"  
  
"I SAID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Karen snapped, as she reached for another bottle of beer to drink.  
  
Jack sighed. "You can tell me."  
  
Annoyed now, Karen was torn. Back home, the vineyards were going bankrupt, and her dad is EVIL! Yet, here on Jack's farm she felt safe. She wanted Jack to keep her there. Was she really this complex? "Jack, I love you."  
  
Jack was stunned, he didn't know what to say. One minute Karen was trying to murder him and the next she was declaring her love for him.  
  
Karen, of course was lying to stay at his house and away from her folks. More importantly Jack was the only person in town with a television. She often loved to watch soft-core porn. It was a passion of her's. "I know you love me too Jack, no denying it. You love me so much in fact, that you will go and buy me some more booze, NOW STEP ON IT!"  
  
Jack chuckled. "Oh Karen!"  
  
"Yeah, do I look like I'm joking?" She glared.  
  
Jack slowly snuck away from her following eyes, only to see Elli sobbing as well. He skipped over to her. "Elli, what's wrong?"  
  
Elli sobbed, "I'm just.. so fat!"  
  
Jack was at a loss for words. "Well Elli, your not that fat, besides! You could always go on a diet!"  
  
The word "diet" depressed Elli, and she sobbed more. Jack felt awkward and didn't know what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of. She took out a crumpled doughnut from his pocket. "How did that get in there?" He gave the doughnut to Elli.  
  
"Oh Jack! You do know the way to a girl's heart!" She devoured the doughnut in one bite.  
  
Jack smiled sheepishly. "You still need to buy me new chickens."  
  
"CHICKENS?! WHERE?!" Elli stood and looked around, licking her lips.  
  
Jack hid from her, and noticed Ann sitting in the fields. He crawled over to her, and noticed she was upset as well. "Ann, what's wrong?"  
  
Ann sighed, "Elli ate all the chickens. They were my best friends!" She cried.  
  
Jack didn't know what to say. "I'll buy more chickens!"  
  
Ann beamed, "You would do that for me?!"  
  
"Who said I would do that for YOU? Wait.I mean Yes! Ann I would do that for you!" Jack lied, but he loved the look Ann gave him.  
  
"Oh my! A celebration is in order! I'll go get the fodder!" Ann crawled into the barn, where she slept.  
  
Jack stood, not wanting to stay there any longer. He walked down the path of his farm and noticed YET ANOTHER sad looking girl.  
  
"Popuri, what's wrong?"  
  
Popuri looked up at Jack, "I need a sacrifice for the DemonSex ritual. I don't have one."  
  
Jack thought long and hard, "You could use..One of the other girls! Preferably Elli!"  
  
Popuri brightened. "Yes! I will do just that! Thanks Jack!" She ran off, cackling.  
  
Suddenly, Hannah appeared "I am VERY mad I didn't appear in this episode till now and there will be hell to pay!"  
  
Popuri smiled, "Ooh! Your going to visit hell? YAY! A VISITOR!"  
  
Hannah looked at Popuri strangely, than continued. "Anyway, It is now time for the second weed ceremony!"  
  
The five girls all proceeded into Jack's house, and Hannah took Jack aside to give him the letters the girl's had wrote him.  
  
Karen's letter:  
  
Rember Jak!  
  
I luvv u! so kepe me hear! O.k? ok! i will sleep wit u!  
  
Mary's letter:  
  
Hello Jack,  
  
Due to Hannah's high dislike of me, I only had a total of one line this episode, how tragic. You must keep me so that I can have more lines! Thank you.  
  
Elli's letter:  
  
JACK!!!!!!  
  
I love you so much! Now bring me food!  
  
Popuri's letter:  
  
JACKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I like flowers, I like you, I like flowers, and I want to *censor* you. : )  
  
Ann's letter:  
  
hi Jack,  
  
I care a lot about you and the animals so please choose me!  
  
After finishing with the letters, Jack sighed. "This will be a tough ceremony" he said sadly then proceeded inside.  
  
The girls STARED HIM DOWN as he came in. "Hello ladies. Today, I have four weeds, but there are five of you. Meaning one of you will be eliminated. Now let me begin." He picked up the first weed. "Karen."  
  
Karen knew she would get the weed, she sauntered over to him and snatched him. "And that's the bottom line, cause K-Ho Said so!"  
  
Jack picked up the second weed and looked at each girl. "Ann."  
  
Ann hopped over to Jack and grabbed the weed with her teeth, then hopped back to her seat.  
  
Jack had two more weeds to give out. "Popuri."  
  
Popuri's eyes glowed a crimson color as she accepted her rose. "AYE WATSON!!" She screamed randomly.  
  
Hannah interrupted, "Jack I must remind you that is your final weed. The girl without a weed will be eliminated."  
  
Jack thought this over, and looked at Mary pacing, than at Elli eating a cupcake. "Elli."  
  
Elli got up and grabbed the weed delighted. "Woohoo! More food!" She cheered.  
  
Hannah looked over to Mary. "Mary, You must leave now."  
  
Mary sighed pathetically, wiping the fog off her glasses. "B-bye J-Jack, I will...um l-love you forever." With that said, she left the room.  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Karen bluntly asked.  
  
Jack shrugged, "She was just lonely..I feel sorry for her."  
  
Mary shuffled her feet, keeping her head low as she left. Once she was out of the house, she shook her head from side to side, as if modelling. Her hair fell onto her shoulders. She took her glasses off and threw them away. Then she hiked her dress up, making sure the camera captured her thong. "Eat cunt!" she screamed as she got on her donkey and rode off. "Harris! I'm coming for you!!!!!!"  
  
Mary was gone.  
  
NEXT TIME: Jack meet's each girl's family. 


	3. Round Three: Family time

Disclaimer:  
  
Hannah: Yeah o_o..I think you all know how this goes. I do not own anything! Yay! O_o;  
  
Also, KiT and Fairyfriend helped me with the ideas. Tankoos people! :D Ooh! And Nika had the original idea of the weirdo animal Ann. So Good ideas ^_^  
  
KiT: O_O; l33t! *humping Rick's leg*  
  
Fairyfriend: *takes Cliff off to come corner* O_o; Whee!  
  
Nika: *somehow in this story* o_o;  
  
^_^;;;; on with the story!  
  
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~*~Four Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, and Popuri ~*~  
  
The clouds parted over one very controversial village, as four girls packed their things ready to move out of Jack's house. Karen's mind was cluttered like traffic, she didn't know what to do. She knew that it was time to introduce Jack to her parents but that was the last thing she really wanted to do. Suddenly she got an idea! What if she hired impostors to pose as her parents? A good idea indeed. Gotz, her father was a grumpy bastard, and as for her mother.Sasha was somewhat of a basket case. Karen wanted to seem as normal as possible while taunting Jack, and turning on him. She loved messing with people's minds. Especially boy's, she noticed as she looked in her diary and read the ten page list of names she slept with. Boy, this sure would be fun! If only she knew where she could get some wine.  
  
Elli's mind raced about other issues. Her mother was dead, her father disappeared, and her grandmother had only just recently passed. Jeff was the only family she had, and he wasn't related by blood. Although Jeff was forty-six, and Elli was only eighteen, she had the most amazing sex dreams about him. She often imagined what it would really be like to have a relationship with someone more than twice her age. Would it be considered a pedophile? Gosh, Elli felt hungry. She knew she would have to introduce the two men who she had adored to each other. What a dread..now where was that doughnut?  
  
Ann's mind raced at a slower pace, she was a total hick, so she seldom worried about petty things like television shows. Jack was cute, and his animals were AMAZING. In fact, one cow in particular caught Ann's eye. She wanted Jack's cow so badly, she knew it had only been about a week, but she was already in love. Ah, who was she kidding? Ann was acting crazy, like a dog in heat.  
  
Popuri laughed evilly as she tried to imagine Jack's face when she told him that her parent's are both demons, and that she waters the cement because there is a small village underneath the flower shop. The green house was full of weed, with one officer in town, you got away with anything! She grew more and more excited thinking up scenarios with Jack becoming the senator of hell.  
  
When Jack woke up, all the girls were gone. Placed on his nightstand was a schedule of places he would have to visit. Reading the list he discovered that he would be meeting Ann's family first. He didn't really care about dressing up for this date, after all, their daughter eats fodder. He was sure they would understand the sloppy attire.  
  
As Jack made his way to Green ranch, he looked around. Animals were everywhere, off to the side he seen a boy with orange hair and a cap tending to some of them. Jack also noticed an older man talking to Ann. He had an orange beard and short orange hair. He looked like a total hick. Ann's father was petting Ann as he fed her some fodder. "Hey Ann!" Jack called to her as he walked over to the two. "How are you today?"  
  
"Meeeeeeeow!" Ann brushed against Jack's knee and began to purr. Jack grew a little nervous as her father gave him the evil eye.  
  
"Jack sonny, Let's have a talk." He said, as he grabbed his shot gun. Jack suddenly felt a lump in his throat. He knew what to expect. Ann's father was about to give him the third degree.  
  
"Now sonny boy, my daughter isn't for free you know!" Ann's father warned as he showed his shot gun.  
  
Jack quivered. "Sir, she is in good hands. I care a lot about her already, I am willing to brush her silky coat every day and feed her the finest fodder!"  
  
"No! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying.check her out. My daughter has nice teats. She milk's easy when you use the milking machine correctly, and she is wild in bed!" Ann's father nodded, placing his gun aside. "My little girl is very special. I say, pay me 100g and she's all your's!"  
  
Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Uh Mr.Ann's dad."  
  
"Please call me Doug, sonny!"  
  
"Alright Doug, I don't think I can take that offer. Your daughter if one of a kind and I cannot accept that price." Jack crossed his arms.  
  
"I'll throw in a month's supply of fodder if you just get her the fuck out of my barn, eh sonny? What do you say, eh?" Doug had a meek smile.  
  
"Well, alright!" Jack smiled with no hesitation and shook Doug's hand to seal the deal.  
  
Ann crawled over to her father, and her possible future husband. "Jack, what were you two talking about?"  
  
"Oh nothing!" Jack laughed, "Though you might want to move your things to my barn. I own you now."  
  
"She doesn't have anything. See how efficient she is?" Doug noted.  
  
"DAD! NOT THIS AGAIN!" Ann's face suddenly changed as she began to hurl fists at her father. "I AM NOT LEAVING THESE ANIMALS! I LOVE THEM! I WANT TO HAVE KIDS WITH THEM FOR GOODNESS SAKE!"  
  
"I'm only trying to help." Doug said sadly, as she lowered her head.  
  
"Like when you pimped me off with that Cliff guy?" Ann asked in anger.  
  
"Exactly! You do understand. We're low on cash anyway, and besides, you will get to see Jack everyday!" Doug smiled, trying to reason with her.  
  
Jack looked on astonished. "We don't have to go through with this deal, you know."  
  
"Sorry no refunds!" Doug said as he threw up his arms and went inside.  
  
Jack looked at Ann sheepishly, "Now what do we do?"  
  
"You can meet my brother, Gray!" Ann said cheerfully as she dragged Jack over to the boy with the cap. "Gray! Say hello to Jack."  
  
Gray looked up at Jack for a moment, gave him a sharp glare and returned to his work. Jack was a little scared, so he tried to start a conversation. "Nice weather we're having, huh?"  
  
"The weather is stupid....now go away, before I get my cows to molest you." Gray said sharply, eyeing Jack.  
  
"Haha!" Jack laughed, "You honestly don't mean that!"  
  
Gray looked at Jack for a moment longer, then returned to work. Ann sighed, "Don't mind him, he's just special. He fell off his horse a while back, so ever since he's been bitter. I mean, just because I smeared butter all over the saddle, and threw pins at the horse, doesn't mean I'm the one who caused the horse to go crazy!" Ann shrugged. "After that incident he sent his cows after me, I was." she trailed off. Jack got the hint.  
  
"Well, I should get going now! I'm going to go visit Elli now." Jack said, as he hugged Ann goodbye.  
  
"Jack, before you go.I want to know, do you like me a lot?" Ann questioned.  
  
"Yes! Of course I do! That's why I paid a whole whopping 100g for you!" Jack stated.  
  
Ann smirked, "Prove it." Those words excited Jack as he moved in for a kiss, but he was stopped by the slap of Ann's fist. "NOT THAT WAY LOSER!" She hissed. "I want a blue feather damn it!" Jack nodded. It was all starting to register now, how much she cared about him, and how scared he would be if he were to ever dump her.  
  
Jack left Green ranch with a smile on his face, and made his way to the bakery to meet Elli's folks.only nobody was there. He walked in and noticed Elli sitting at one of the tables, stuffing her face with sweets. "Hey Elli!" he smiled.  
  
Elli looked up at him, not caring in the least till she was finished. Finally she looked over to Jack with her sweet eyes and asked. "Could you be a dear, and get me some more cake please? I love you!" Jack sighed, and walked over to the counter where a guy with a cheesy looking moustache stood. "One cake please." Jack said, till he heard Elli call over to him.  
  
"Jack, dear.make it seven!" She said sweetly.  
  
"Seven cakes." Jack corrected himself. The man at the counter just stared at him. "is there a problem?"  
  
The man blushed, "So your little Elli's new lover. I'm Jeff, her side- love." He stacked the cakes and gave them to Jack. "It's on the house!"  
  
"Thanks." Jack said as he accepted the cakes and returned to his seat beside Elli. "Elli, why did that guy say you two were lovers?" Jack asked her.  
  
"God I'm hungry!" Elli commented, trying to avoid Jack's question as she finished off the cakes within seconds.  
  
"Elli! Answer me!" Jack sneered. "Why did he have that crazy idea? I mean what is he? Thirty?"  
  
Elli looked up at Jack, "He's Forty-six." She sighed, "I was going to tell you about him but I guess I forgot. His name is Jeff, he works here at the bakery. My Grandmother always tried setting me up with him, telling me he was the best lay she ever had."  
  
Jack was stunned, just how sick was this family? Then he thought of how the grandmother described Jeff. "The best lay she ever had?" this intrigued Jack for some unknown reason. "Maybe I'm gay?"  
  
Elli looked up at Jack, "Your gay?! OH MY GOD! AFTER ALL THIS TIME, YOU COME OUT AND TELL ME THAT YOUR GAY?!?"  
  
Jack looked at her stunned, "First off, I'm NOT gay! I was just thinking.and secondly, we knew each other for a WEEK!"  
  
Elli began to cry, "But I love you already! DAMN! I'm hungry!" she cried.  
  
"I'm gay too!" Jeff screamed out, as he gave a wink to Jack. "Let's go to the back to make some special sugar coating."  
  
Jack considered it for a minute before rejecting his offer. "No thanks, I'm not gay!" he laughed, embarrassed.  
  
"Well I AM GAY!" Jeff shouted, "And I just admitted that. AND YOU are not going to make my admitting sacrifice go unrewarded! Let's go to the back! I want to have your babies!"  
  
Elli shrieked in horror, "Oh my god! This is the worst day of my life! Wait, maybe I'm a lesbian!" She gasped at this revelation.  
  
"Elli, now your taking this too far." Jack said, rolling his eyes.  
  
Elli shrugged, "I guess so, oh Jack. I do love you!" she said obliviously. "But now, I must eat." She retreated to the back room where she was alone with the deserts.  
  
"Oh god." Jeff sighed, "That girl is going to make us bankrupt if she keeps eating our stock. Well Jack, we'll have fun another time, I have to call the cops to get Elli removed with a crane. See yah!" Jeff left the room.  
  
Jack stood there dumbfounded. What had just happened? And what did Jeff mean call the cops? Harris was the only known cop, but he had his part time job as a mailman too. Jack had too much to think about so she just shrugged it off and decided to go visit Karen.  
  
Jack made his way to the vineyards, only to see Karen looking bummed out. "Shit!" she said as she spotted Jack. "The actors aren't here yet."  
  
Jack walked past the white picket fence and over to Karen's side. "Hey! What's up?"  
  
"Leave me alone." Karen said, grumpily.  
  
"What's the matter this time?" Jack asked, annoyed.  
  
Karen glared at him. "Don't be stupid Jacky-boy, keep your distance if you know what's good for you." She grabbed a bottle of wine, and sipped it.  
  
"Aren't I supposed to meet your family?" Jack asked her, a little confused.  
  
"Go ahead, they're inside." She smirked, as she finished off her beer and began drinking another.  
  
Jack sighed, "Fine." He slowly walked up to her door and knocked. There was no response. He knocked again, this time her door opened. Wondering what to do, he finally made the choice to walk in. As soon as he took a step through the door, he heard the click of a shot gun. "Not again." He groaned.  
  
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY FUCKING HOUSE?!" Karen's father yelled at him. Her father looked gruff and scary. He was double the size of Jack.  
  
Jack stuttered. "Uh, I-I can explain! You s-see, Your daughter Karen."  
  
"Is a whore! What's your point?!" The man, who was known as Gotz pointed his gun at Jack. "Why don't you just leave?"  
  
Jack stared at Gotz frightened. "Please sir, I just want to."  
  
"I said, LEAVE. Are you fucking blind?!" Gotz snapped harshly.  
  
"Actually, it's deaf sir." Jack corrected him, "And no I am not deaf."  
  
"Oh so NOW YOUR CORRECTING ME! Well how about I MAKE you blind AND deaf! Screw that, you'll be DEAD!" Gotz laughed like a maniac and shot at Jack.  
  
Jack dodged the bullet like in the matrix and ran out the door. He heard Gotz call after him, "AND DON'T COME BACK YOU HEAR ME! I WILL KILL YOU! AND THEN EAT YOUR INTESTINES! AND RAPE YOUR ARSE!"  
  
Jack was disturbed beyond levels when he ran into Karen. He was in tears. "Karen! Your dad is horrible!"  
  
"I HEARD THAT!" Her dad screeched, as grenades were thrown from the windows out to where Jack was standing.  
  
"Shit!" Jack squealed as he tried to take cover, he noticed the vineyard shack. He ran inside and noticed Karen's mother, a blonde who looked nothing like Karen on top of their servant. He had realized her name was Sasha from the moans the boy underneath her made. "Oh Sasha!"  
  
Sasha suddenly looked up, she was totally naked. "Oh my god!" She screamed as she tried to cover up, using the boy's purple bandana that was laying on the floor. The boy was dark, and looked like a total womanizer.  
  
"Hey, I'm Kai." The worker said naturally, as if Jack hadn't just found him naked, screwing the winemaker's wife. "Your Karen's boyfriend, huh?"  
  
Jack nodded, now deeply disturbed. "Uhh.I should go."  
  
Sasha stood, "Before you go, you must promise not to tell anyone!" she took out a sword and pointed it at Jack. "Promise?"  
  
Jack was confused, "Where the hell did that sword come from?!"  
  
"JUST PROMISE!" She screamed, pointing the sword more wildly.  
  
"Alright, I won't tell your husband that you're having an affair with your servant." Jack rolled his eyes, then left.  
  
When he got out, the explosions had stopped, and he noticed Karen running around the farm naked, drunk as day.  
  
"Please oh pikachu! You complete me!" She screamed as she ran into the old tree and began making passionate love to it. Intrigued, Jack grabbed his camera and began snapping shots of this weird phenomenon, then decided he had enough fun and left to Popuri's.  
  
Jack opened the door to the flower shop, not knowing exactly what he was getting himself into. He heard strange chants coming from all sides. "Oh Magical Bush of Greatness! Grant us Peace!" Popuri's voice said in a powerful Lucifer tone.  
  
"Oh Magical Bush of Greatness, my wish is for sex! All the time, every day! I get lonely when my hubby leaves! I rely on dildos, and play things! Grant me this wish!" Popuri's mother yelled.  
  
"I never want to find the herb to cure Popuri's mother!" Her father chimed, "I want to keep searching so I can keeping having affairs!"  
  
"I want Jack to choose me, and have his babies!" Popuri joined in.  
  
Jack widened his eyes, Popuri sat on the floor in a circle with her parents. Her mother looked identical to Popuri except older, and her father had brown short hair, with botanist gear.  
  
"There she is!" Popuri cried with glee as she ran over to Jack and hugged him tightly.  
  
"HAIL BUSH OF THE NORTH!" Her father continued chanting, while her mother walked over to Jack and threw rose pedals in his face.  
  
"I'm Lillia, now you are hexed forever and will die a painful death if you do not marry our Popuri." Her mother grinned evilly as her eye's glowed with her daughter's. "You will never get the pussy!"  
  
Popuri repeated this, "If you do not choose me you will never get the pussy!"  
  
"HAIL!" Her father yelled from the back.  
  
"Alright Jack!" Popuri smiled, "nothing else to do, I'll walk you outside."  
  
Lillia joined her husband, and they opened the back door, where Jack thought he saw hell. Fireballs and demons ran through the door. Both parents jumped through the portal.  
  
"Bye Jack!" Popuri yelped as she threw him outside on his butt.  
  
Jack had a hard decision to make. Clearly all four of these girls had problems. Who had the most?  
  
Suddenly, Hannah appeared behind Jack. "Hello Jack, sorry I wasn't here, I was somewhere dreaming about wild sex with Gray-I mean, I was off being professional, on a business meeting." She coughed. "Let's go back to your place and gather the girls. The weed ceremony will take place very soon." Jack nodded and headed home, ready to make his decision.  
  
When Jack got home, he waited until Hannah approached him. After a while, she walked up to him smiling. "It is time. You will make a hard decision now. Ann, Elli, Karen, or Popuri? One of them will be eliminated shortly. First you should read their letters."  
  
Jack read the letters.  
  
Karen's letter:  
  
jak!  
  
i haav a secart! i relly am a man! no just kidding heehee heehee i like sex and parties do u? wat up! how did u like my dad? kai said u were cool about him ---ing my mom. kewl! love u 4ever!  
  
Karen  
  
Popuri's letter:  
  
Remember Jack, If you do not choose me you will NEVER get pussy. Asides from that, I love you! Whee! Yay! Love! Woohoo! Bye!  
  
Ann's letter:  
  
I had fun! I'm so glad I get to sleep in your barn now! I'm not mad anymore, cause I know my dad is just looking out for me! He knows we're meant to be. I love you! And your cows.  
  
Elli's letter:  
  
Hi love,  
  
I'm hungry, and torn over this whole ordeal! I don't know what to eat! Help me!  
  
Always love you sweetie,  
  
Especially if you want to cook me food,  
  
Elli  
  
Jack was touched by these letters and almost began to cry, but he wiped his tears and took the task at hand. "I'm ready." He said. Hannah nodded and led him inside where the four girls were waiting. "Well, I guess it's time. This weed ceremony will definitely be dramatic." He noted, "As I am falling for each of you. Please don't take this personally. Without further adieu, my first weed is for."  
  
Karen glared angrily at him, she was a mean drunk. Ann was scratching herself, she really needed some flea spray. Elli's eyes got big and watery, she was hungry! Popuri just looked at him and mouthed the words "No pussy"  
  
"Popuri!" Popuri smiled eagerly as she snatched her weed. Jack grabbed the next weed and looked at the three girls. Karen was pulling her hair out, Ann was still scratching, and Elli started to cry. "My next weed is for Karen."  
  
Karen got up, and collapsed, so Jack just whipped the weed at her head. "Thank you, bastard." She mumbled into the carpet.  
  
Hannah interrupted as she usually did. "This is your last weed Jack, the girl without a weed will be eliminated."  
  
Jack paused, then recuperated. "My last weed is for.." *GASP!* "Ann."  
  
Ann cheered and pranced around the room, like an overexcited bunny rabbit. Elli was not as happy. She sat there sobbing.  
  
"Whaaaaat's wrong with me?!" She cried, "This is the worst feeling ever! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! I laid it all on the line and got shot down!" she sobbed as she stuffed a box of baked goods into her mouth. "It's cause I'm fat isn't it?!"  
  
"No! Of course not! I mean, I didn't feel the connection, plus, you liked a gay guy, twice your age. That's a little weird!" Jack reasoned with her.  
  
"I KNEW IT! IT IS CAUSE I'M FAT!" She ran out crying, leaving Jack there dumbfounded.  
  
Elli walked out wailing, and got on the donkey, crushing it. The donkey fell over, and Elli cried harder. "Don't mock me! Damn you!" She grabbed a knife and fork out. "I am upset. See? And when I'm upset I eat." The donkey suddenly felt the urge to run away, and that's exactly what it did, leaving her there sobbing like a five year old. "Ah well, maybe Jeff will date me. He IS a cook." Elli nodded, "Yes, Jeff and I will get married and make babies! And he will make me food every day!" She cheered, oblivious to the fact he was gay. She walked off Jack's property finally smiling. "Good riddance!"  
  
Elli was gone.  
  
*credits roll* 


	4. Round Four: Overnight dating

Disclaimer:  
  
Hannah: I own nada! O_o  
  
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~*~Three Girls all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Ann, and Popuri ~*~  
  
It was an early morning, and Jack felt great. Waking up, he decided to go check how Ann was doing in his barn. Walking over to his barn, and opening the door, he sure wasn't prepared for what he had seen next. "ANN!?!"  
  
There was Ann, naked, and surrounded by a litter of baby cows, a dildo was stuck into one of the cow's arses, and the others mooed madly. "It's not what it looks like Jack! I didn't just have sex with your cow! Honest!" She laughed, trying not to turn red. "It's just.your cows.are so irresistible! Oh god! Take me!" She jumped on one of his cows, "Yes! Besse, take me!"  
  
Jack was now disturbed beyond levels. He had never been so disgusted. "Have fun." He said blankly as he ran out to throw up. As he did, he noticed Popuri eating the weeds in his yard. "Hey!" He yelled over to her, "I need those for the weed ceremony!"  
  
Popuri glared at Jack and reminded him of the curse, by mouthing the words "No pussy."  
  
Jack got the message and gave up. "Alright, do what you want! I had enough!"  
  
Hannah suddenly appeared on Jack's farm smiling. "Hello Jack. Well as you know, You are going to have three overnight dates before you make your choice."  
  
Jack sighed, "How could I forget?"  
  
Hannah grinned, "So Ann's date will be in the SEXY Harvest cave, Karen's date will be in the library, and Popuri's will be in the church. Have fun!" with that said, Hannah ran off cackling like a hag.  
  
Ann walked out, carrying an infant cow. "Isn't she cute? I named her KiT- Girl!"  
  
"Yeah, so cute." Jack said sarcastically, while rolling his eyes.  
  
"I guess we should get going, huh? I'm so excited about this date!" She cheered.  
  
"Uh-huh, yeah me too, sure." He nodded, not paying attention.  
  
Ann jumped up and down excitedly. "I just have to get my things, and I'll be right back. I'll tell the girls we're leaving too!" Jack nodded, and Ann ran into the barn and returned moments later. "Let's go!" The two were off.  
  
Ann's Overnight Date  
  
Jack and Ann walked into the small cozy harvest cave where they were soon joined by a dozen harvest sprites. "Echmay Potato!" They all cheered.  
  
Jack looked at them strangely, "Yeah, go Yankees!" He looked back at Ann who was petting a squirrel, "I'm just going to forage, I'll be back in a few."  
  
"Alright!" Ann cheered, "Nothings better than being in good spirits!" Ann looked back at the squirrel. "Go now Jack, leave us to our discussion!"  
  
Jack nodded, and left the cave to go forage. He passed the fisherman as he did, and got tapped on his shoulder. "Yes?"  
  
The fisherman looked him straight in the eye, "Do you like fishing?"  
  
Jack nodded, "I love it! Why, do you have a rod for me?"  
  
"Fuck no, loser. I just asked a damn question moocher! Buy your own fucking rod!" The fisherman threw Jack into the water.  
  
Jack used all his strength and finally got himself out of the river. "What the hell!" Jack lamented, "This is no fun!" he stomped his foot, and walked off to see what he could find where the goddess pond was. He noticed a potato shining like gold on the bridge that crossed over the pond. Jack leaped across the grassy fields to get, unfortunately he fell into the pond.  
  
Suddenly, in a burst of blue light the goddess appeared. "An offering? Not many people make offerings, you must be a very spiritual person." She looked around for someone, and noticed a potato on the bridge. "So what is your wish?" She asked the potato. Getting no answer, she grew impatient. "I don't have all day, you know!"  
  
Jack "Potatoes can't talk!" Jack tried to point out, but only swallowed water.  
  
The potato sat there, than said "I wish I was a famous actress!" and BOOM! The potato now had pink sunglasses on with a designer coat. Signs appeared everywhere, promoting the potato. "Now, Brad Pitt will notice me!" The potato hopped around happily.  
  
Jack pulled himself out of the water for the second time on the date. "Not fair!"  
  
The goddess glared at Jack. "Life's not fair, now leave. Loser."  
  
Jack sighed, and made his way back to the cave where Ann now had much more company. "Oh god yes! Mr. Rabbit! Just like that! Oh god! Yes!" Thousands of animals surrounded Ann, for an inter-species orgy!  
  
Jack had enough, he crumpled some sand together to make a pillow for himself, and went to sleep quite early.  
  
The next morning, Jack brought a happy Ann back home. "I hope you had fun." he said sheepishly.  
  
"Oh my! Yes! It was the best date I have ever been on!" Ann jumped for joy.  
  
"That's nice. I'm going to get Karen now, for my second date." He stated as he went inside to find Karen. He found her drinking a bottle of beer, drooling all over his bed. "Karen, get out of bed! It's time for our overnight date."  
  
Karen sighed. "Hooray." She said sarcastically.  
  
The two headed off to the library.  
  
Karen's Overnight Date  
  
Jack opened the library door with his special key and let her in. "Oh god! Books! I hate books! I can't even read! Fuck, why the hell a library?" Karen asked harshly.  
  
"I don't know.You can't read?! Wow! By your superb writing skills I would have guessed you'd be at the top of your class!" Jack said sarcastically.  
  
"What class? I ditched school a loooong time ago." Karen laughed, "School is for losers."  
  
"Right." Jack nodded, looking at Karen strangely.  
  
"Does this place have any booze?" Karen asked, as she searched the little nook.  
  
"Probably not, You know Mary, She wouldn't drink beer if her life depended on it!" Jack laughed.  
  
"Found some!" Karen shouted, as she took out some beer and some Hash (the drug) "Wow! Our little Mary is a smart girl after all."  
  
"Someone must have planted those there!" Jack stuttered. "Mary would never smoke that stuff!"  
  
Karen found a video on the floor and picked it up. "Sex in the Shower, Staring Ilike Hawk, and Ruby boobs." She read the title. "Hey I can read!"  
  
Jack was stunned. "Mary had a wild side?"  
  
"Get over it, and smoke some hash with me." She said, as she lighted up some. "Woo! Look at the pretty colors.I see London, I see France, I see your underpants." She twirled around in mid air then collapsed onto the floor. Jack grinned sickly.  
  
The next morning, the two woke up in a tub of honey. The books were stripped off the shelves and thrown into a bonfire. Jack, noticing the damage decided to grab Karen and get the HELL out of there.  
  
When he returned to his farm, he was ready for his last overnight date. He walked up to Popuri and asked, "Ready for our date?"  
  
"I'm always ready!" She smirked while beating Spam.  
  
Popuri's Overnight Date  
  
Jack walked Popuri to the church, and she was not thrilled about this date at all. "I can't go in!" She admitted sadly.  
  
Jack was confused, "What do you mean?"  
  
"If I go in, I will die a most brutal and painful death!" Popuri sobbed, with those red eyes.  
  
"Eh! I want to see that!" Jack blurted out, "I mean, We don't have to go in if you don't want to."  
  
"Do you not get the severity of this?!" Popuri asked him, alarmed.  
  
Jack shrugged. "I don't really care, I'm just horny."  
  
"That's it Jacky! We are GOING TO HELL!" Popuri screeched.  
  
"cool!" Jack nodded, "I've never been there."  
  
Popuri danced around, "Oh you will have so much fun! Yes! Woohoo! Whee! Yay!" With that said, she transported them to HELL.  
  
The first thing Jack noticed was the potato who had wished for stardom. "What is that thing doing here?" he asked, in a whisper-tone to Popuri.  
  
"It molested a grape." Popuri nodded, "So it shall stay here FOREVER!"  
  
Suddenly they were on the set of Paradise Hotel. "Wrong show!" a producer screamed, and they were back in hell, but a Harvest Moon themed hell.  
  
"Jack, I am here because." Popuri paused, "Jack, I am your father."  
  
"You impostor!" Jack accused.  
  
Suddenly, Popuri took off her face and Jack was face to face with his dad. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"  
  
"I like sex with monkeys!" his dad said in a girlish voice. Then, everything disappeared.  
  
Jack blacked out.  
  
Jack woke up, with Hannah standing beside him on this extremely short episode. "Hello Jack!" She said in an Irish accent. "The girls are waiting inside for your verdict for this weed ceremony."  
  
"What the hell? How did I just.?" Jack was lost.  
  
Hannah whispered something into Jack's ear. "The magic of television. Now, here are the letters each girl wrote!"  
  
Jack accepted the letters and looked over them.  
  
Karen's letter:  
  
hylo jak! Dat was cool yo! we do dat again yo! woho i like partys and styf so ya  
  
Ann's letter:  
  
Hi Jack!  
  
I know the whole cow scene looked weird, but I deny any sexual activities going on with that cow! And I love you! So choose me and you wont regret it.  
  
Popuri's letter:  
  
Two words: No Pussy. Remember the hex, oh Jacky boy.  
  
Jack nodded, and knew what he needed to do. He walked inside and faced the three remaining girls. "This was a very hard decision." He told them. "I wish you all luck with your future, now I'll give out the weeds. My first weed is for."  
  
Karen humped the pillows on Jack's bed, while Ann dreamed about his cows, and Popuri's eyes glowed.  
  
"Popuri!"  
  
Popuri grabbed her rose and smiled evilly. Speaking in a deep voice she said "I will eat your heart!" then, she erupted into laughter. "Just kidding! That is, unless you dump me." She proceeded back to her seat.  
  
Hannah interrupted. "Jack, the next weed will send one girl home. Remember that."  
  
Jack sighed and nodded. "The last weed is for...Karen!"  
  
Karen jumped off the bed and onto Jack, snatching her weed. "God yeah!"  
  
"Ann. I'm sorry you have just been eliminated." Hannah gave her the bad news.  
  
"Whatever, I liked your cow better ANYWAY!" with that said, Ann stormed out the door. "Nothings better than being in good spirits."  
  
Ann got on her house, feeling slightly aroused. "Ooh yeah, see? This horse knows more about girls than Jack does!" with that said, Ann rode off.  
  
Two girls remained.  
  
Next time: The girls reunite for a "Women tell all show", while Jack picks his bride. The girls choose their rings and meet Jack's family, right before he makes his decision. Who will be Jack's bride? Karen, or Popuri? 


	5. Round Five: Finale

Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~*~Seven Girls, all trying to win the heart of Jack. Only two remain now, and one will be his bride. Karen, or Popuri? Find out! ~*~  
  
This episode opened differently then the others, Hannah stood in a studio with the five eliminated girls. "Hello hello! Welcome to the Bachelor finale! Both Popuri, and Karen are going to meet Jack's parents, choose their rings, and come face to face with Jack as he makes his final decision. Before he does, we have the rest of the Bachelor crew here!" The audience cheered. "Sara! Jill! Mary! Elli! And now, Ann!"  
  
"Let's start with Ann, Ann how did you feel when you were eliminated?" Hannah asked the redhead.  
  
"It felt great!" Ann said surprisingly. "Jack was just a dumb fuck, who loved to womanize. I hated him, the only reason why I was in it was for his cows. Especially Bessie, goddess, how I miss her! We used to make passionate love in the moonlight and she would often squeal or moo in delight, or pain.....I don't know which, either way it was love."  
  
Hannah stared at Ann, dumbfounded, "So you had a relationship with Jack's cow Bessie?"  
  
"That is correct." Ann nodded. "She was a wonderful cow, and I hope to fuc- I mean, see her in the future."  
  
"How.....................Pleasant." Hannah smiled nervously. "Now, Elli how did you take being eliminated?"  
  
Elli sighed, "Well, at first I was really depressed." She took out some cookies, and began to snack on them. "I would eat anything in *munch* sight!" *munch munch* "But then I knew how silly I was! I have a perfectly good guy at home, Jeff."  
  
"Actually, didn't Jeff admit on national television that he was gay?" Hannah asked.  
  
"Yes, but he was just kidding, he is so funny!" Elli's eyes looked overly delirious. She was more than a tad oblivious about Jeff's sexuality as a jump television set turned on showing scenes of Jeff making out with numerous males from FBV. "See? He's a good actor too!"  
  
Hannah just stared at the girl, who was obviously in denial. "That's not all, Jeff also said that Karen is his daughter, Sasha had an affair on him." Then she remembered something, "She had an affair with Kai too, and the carpenters." Hannah thought for a moment then screamed, "This chick is an even bigger whore than I am!!!!"  
  
*Awkward silence, crickets chirping, tumbleweed passes*  
  
"ANYWAY! Mary, while on The Bachelor, You were this sweet book nerd. Once you left, the audience noticed a wild side to you. Which is the real side?"  
  
Mary glanced from side to side, "I-I.don't know um......w-what your talking.................about."  
  
"The drugs! The porn mags! The booze?!" Hannah interrogated.  
  
"They were a-all pl-planted!" Mary cried.  
  
"WHAT ABOUT THE 'Eat cunt!" comment?!" Hannah screeched, trying to catch this virgin Mary in a lie.  
  
"What about it? I-I heard uh my m-mom say that." Mary said blankly.  
  
*GASP!*  
  
"That is so not true!" Mary's mother said from the audience. "I am a grade A mother, and would never use such foul language in front of my children, or EVER!"  
  
"I-I heard y-you!" Mary pointed to her mother.  
  
"Oh my goddess! You little! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!!!!!" Mary's mother was about to go insane.  
  
"Shut up, Tramp!" Mary lashed out, "I have had fucking enough of you! I know for a fact you married daddy for his money! I mean, who the FUCK would be so desperate as the marry that short ass fuck?!"  
  
Mary's mother, obviously caught on this, sat down and smiled sweetly to her daughter, "Carry on, I will not be a bother."  
  
Everyone gasped, shocked and appalled by Mary's behavior. "What?! Go back to your shit ass houses in that HELL HOLE Flowerbud. I HATE YOU ALL!" Mary raised her head to the studio lighting, causing a glare of light to temporarily blind everyone. When everyone had their eyesight back, Mary was gone.  
  
Hannah clasped her hands nervously. "So Sara, did you end up getting the operation?"  
  
Sara sighed, and in her manliest voice ever replied "No Hannah, I am still waiting, however once I get it, I'll give you a call and we can hook up."  
  
Hannah smiled nervously. "Heh, I don't think so, ANYWAY Jill, has life changed for you since the show?"  
  
"Like, no, like it hasn't like changed!" Jill laughed, "Like, I just like got like dumped by, like a man whore anyway like!"  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Hannah nodded. "Were there any fights in the house besides the Karen-Popuri conflict?"  
  
The girls all looked around at each other glaring, then suddenly broke out into a WWE-style royal rumble. Two to three minutes later, they calmed down and everyone calmly went back to their seats.  
  
"Who do you guys predict Jack will choose?" Hannah asked each girl.  
  
"I think he'll choose Karen." Sara said, "He wants a real woman, not a real man like me, I mean....erm Can I rephrase that?"  
  
"I like, think, like he'll like, choose, like, Popuri! Or He'll like, never like, get the like, pussy! Oh no!" Jill responded.  
  
Mary was next to reply, but had already escaped.  
  
"Jack will choose Karen." Elli nodded, "Because she is a drunk, she is a whore, she bosses him around, and She is a drunk whore who bosses him around. I think Jack is into S and M."  
  
Ann was the last to speak. "Jack will choose Popuri, because he is genuinely afraid of her and her curses."  
  
Suddenly Rick, the poultry farmer ran out from backstage being chased by a young fan girl. "Come back!" the girl cried, also known as KiT. "I promise I will always..ah screw it!" Kit grew annoyed of running, so she whipped her shoe at his head knocking him out cold. She then dragged him backstage cackling. "I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES! I WILL MAKE SURE OF IT!"  
  
The camera now showed backstage where both Cliff and Rick were tied to chairs squirming, KiT and another girl overbearing them. "Rick, you will be mine FOREVER! Now get ready for the best Blowjo- "  
  
"Yeah!" The other girl shouted before KiT could finish, "Oh sorry, anyway Cliffie YOUR MINE! Kayla and Cliffie forever." She dreamed.  
  
The camera cut back to the stage where Hannah grinned evilly. "Operation Sack-all-of-the-hot-FBV'ers is going well." *cough* "Anyway, NOW IT IS TIME! LET US WATCH THE SEASON FINALE!"  
  
*Monitor turns on*  
  
The day was peaceful, as sex monkeys high off Viagra molested each other and a new potato hit the big screen.  
  
The scene showed Karen getting ready to visit Jack's dad who was visiting Jack for the weekend. She wasn't nervous or anything. She was too wasted for that. "Ah fuck that, get his dad wasted, and I'll get him in the sack, his dad will be SURE to love me." Karen managed to blurt out between slurs.  
  
Meanwhile Popuri was in Rick's tool shop looking for the right ring. Hannah was by her side guiding her threw the process. "These pieces of shit are all ugly!" Popuri lamented.  
  
"Well, we are on budget so none of the rings are real. They were all from gumball machines." Hannah reasoned.  
  
"No, they are pretty GOLD RINGS!" Popuri shouted as her eyes swirled red, hypnotizing Hannah.  
  
"Yes...GOLD rings." Hannah nodded, fully hypnotized.  
  
"Good!" Popuri smiled.  
  
Back with Karen, she stood outside Jack's house waiting on his porch. She slowly knocked on the door, and Jack opened it. "Hey Karen! Great to see you! Come in!"  
  
Karen smiled eagerly. "Jack, I hope you don't mind I took a dump on your porch.ANYWAY, I would gladly come in!" and so, Karen stepped inside only to see Jack's dad waiting by the table.  
  
Jack's dad winked at her seductively and growled. "Hello Miss Karen."  
  
Karen flirtatiously winked back, "Hello Mister Jack's Dad."  
  
Jack's dad smiled, patting his chair. "Karen, would you like to sit?"  
  
Karen sat down next to him and rubbed against his knee, purring. "Mister Jack's dad, would you like to get wasted and hump like monkeys?"  
  
Jack's dad loosened his tie before answering. His glasses were fully fogged, "Would I ever!"  
  
And so, Karen took the Karma Sutra book out from her book bag. "I don't read it, of course because I can't read. However, I look at the pictures and imitate them. Want to try?"  
  
Jack's father bit his lip as he smiled. "Yes please."  
  
Jack walked out from the kitchen with a bowl of spaghetti in his hand's when he noticed Karen and his father humping on the table. "DAD?!? KAREN?!" He gasped in shock.  
  
"Oh, hello Jack. Would you like to join us?" Karen asked while being bounced against the table.  
  
Jack's dad smiled, "It can be a family bonding experience!"  
  
Jack was disturbed, Jack was disgusted. "Eh, no." and so, Jack blacked out. When he woke up he found his home completely empty. Even his furniture was gone! Angered, Jack stormed outside only to find his father with a big grin on his face.  
  
"I sold the furniture to Karen, she is such a sweet heart! I love her!" Jack's father squealed.  
  
"You only like her because she let you hump her." Jack reminded him.  
  
Jack's father nodded, "That is true, however it was THE BEST SEX I HAVE EVER HAD! SO YOU BETTER CHOOSE HER OR YOUR GROUNDED!"  
  
"But Dad! You live in Florida!" Jack reminded his father.  
  
Jack's father nodded once again. "I have my ways."  
  
Suddenly Jack remembered something.  
  
Popuri: If you do not choose me YOU WILL NEVER GET THE PUSSY!  
  
"Hehe, Well Dad your going to have to wait and see!" Jack laughed awkwardly.  
  
Jack's dad glared at Jack. "It better be Karen."  
  
***********  
  
Karen entered Rick's tool shop with a smile on her face. "Get me any ring you want honey!" Karen yelled to Hannah. "I just wanna find Rick.so I can fark him." And with that said, she left.  
  
Hannah's eyes widened with fear. "Oh no! Better call KiT and warn her that Karen is after Rick!" she opened her special communicator: a cup connected to a string that reached KiT's cup. "KiT! Karen, Rick, Fark o'clock!"  
  
**********  
  
Popuri rang Jack's doorbell "Jack open up, or you will NEVER GET THE PUSSY!" Suddenly fire shot from her eyes and Jack's house was on fire. "DIEEEEE!!!!!!" Jack ran out as she screamed this.  
  
Jack began to cry, "I was in the bathroom! And now your burning my house down!"  
  
Popuri smiled embarrassed, "Oops, oh well!"  
  
Jack's father walked out, "Hello, You must be Popuri. Would you like to hump like monkeys?"  
  
Popuri glared at him. "NO" She screeched.  
  
"But Karen did!" Jack's Dad protested. "I am merely testing the product for my son."  
  
Popuri shook her head, "Karen is a whore, she has been tested by everybody, and now she is being tested for STDs."  
  
Jack's dad squirmed, and ran into the burning house crying. "Noooooo!!!"  
  
Jack smiled to Popuri but smoke seemed to fill the air. When it cleared, Popuri was gone. A bat was seen flying off into the distance.  
  
*********  
  
When Jack's father left, and his house burnt down Jack knew he had a decision to make. "Karen, or Popuri?"  
  
"NEITHER!" Hannah interrupted. "You don't have a kitchen anymore, it burnt down."  
  
"I will buy one this afternoon." Jack said annoyed.  
  
"First, you should read the letters." Hannah pointed out as she threw the letters at him.  
  
Karen's letter:  
  
omg! ur dad is so f'n cool!  
  
i wan a daad like urs!  
  
soooo mary mi! i woll meke u happy!  
  
Popuri's letter:  
  
You better choose me, afterall, You want the pussy.  
  
Much love, YAY  
  
Popuri.  
  
Hannah grinned. "Well You have a huge decision to make. Popuri, and Karen are both on their way over here. Each not knowing if she went first or second. But first, You must make your decision so we may get you the ring." Jack whispered in her ear, and with a nod she was off.  
  
*******  
  
The first donkey rode up to Jack's poorly decorated house. Because of the budget circumstances the decorations were left on from Halloween. Jack stood in the spooky setting ready for his final weed ceremony.  
  
Karen got off her donkey and walked over to Jack, giggling. She obviously was drunk and did not understand how serious this moment was. "Hello Karen."  
  
"Hello Jeff!" She said right back to him with a wink.  
  
Ignoring her stupidity, he continued. "Karen, you are a beautiful girl. Sure, you smell like alcohol, and smoke. You're a bit of a crack whore, and your completely drunk right now but I was sure that I loved you, however, I want the pussy, and the fact that my dad just humped you made me sick. So I have to say goodbye to you. I'm sorry."  
  
Karen raised her arms in victory. "YES!" She cheered. "I WON!!!!!!!!" She danced around and did a stumbled cartwheel.  
  
"Actually, You have just lost." Hannah informed her. "Now leave, you're a whore and clash with the scenery. Good day."  
  
Karen sighed in defeat, still drunk. She began to cry, "What's wrong with me?!" She screeched. "I LOVED YOU!!!!!! I'm having your babies!" She pointed jaggedly at Jack. "You bastard!"  
  
"We never slept together." Jack said, as he just stared at her blankly.  
  
Karen cried harder. "Fuck you! I'm going now, and you better miss me. Have fun with that pink whore. She better be worth it Jack. She better be worth RUINING this relationship!"  
  
"WHAT RELATIONSHIP!?"  
  
"The one with me and your father. Geez, spread us apart like you did with Ann and your cow!" Karen sobbed as she grabbed a sickle. "Now I must end it.." She threw the sickle into Harris the token mailman. "Oops. Shit!" with that yelp out, Karen hopped on her donkey and high tailed out. "You will never catch me! EVER!"  
  
Finally the moment everyone has been waiting for! Popuri rose up on her donkey, smiling to Jack as she got off. She ran up to Jack excitedly. "Well where's my ring?!"  
  
Jack sighed, "You see Popuri, you're a great girl and the pink is just lovely. However, I do not want to have a relationship with someone mentally retarded, meaning your eliminated."  
  
Popuri's eyes circled as her head twisted around. "YOU WILL NEEEEEEVAR GET THE PUSSY!"  
  
Jack giggled, "That's the beauty of it! I found out that I'm gay after a night with Jeff. I don't want the pussy anymore. I want the co- oh! Look at the time, you better head off Popuri!"  
  
Popuri set Jack on fire, and somehow managed to slaughter all of his animals using her mind. She floated off his farm, killing the donkey as she passed it as well.  
  
Suddenly Jeff ran on the set and hugged Jack who was still on fire. The two fell to the ground, where they became flaming homosexuals *literally* and they celebrated this with champagne. Jack, now found his bride-erm, husband. They will live together happily ever after. The end.  
  
Hannah stared blankly at the words "The end." She put her hands on her waist. "It's not over till I say it is! Watch the bachelorette coming soon! Okay, now it's over."  
  
*Credits roll* 


	6. Round One: A Fresh Start

Disclaimer:  
  
Hannah: Yeah o_o..I think you all know how this goes. I do not own anything! Yay! O_o;  
  
Harvest Moon: The Bachelorette  
  
~*~Seven Guys, all vying for Aja's affection. Only one will be her husband. Gray, Cliff, Kai, Rick, Harris, Tim and Zack.~*~  
  
For the first time in years, Aja returned home. She sighed filled with both sorrow and regret. Hesitantly she knocked on the door lightly. "I hope they don't hate me" she said to herself. The door finally swung open and she was face to face with her mother. Her mother looked exactly like Aja; long brown hair, and dark eyes that could pierce your skin like needles.  
  
"Oh my Goddess!" her mother squealed with delight. "Aja, my baby is finally home!" She hugged her disturbed daughter tightly. "I told EVERYONE about how you and Duke had a fight, and you ran off. I thought I saw your name on the race channel, oh my goddess! Are you a race car driver now?! Duke is really sorry, he's an even worse alcoholic, oh goddess, it's so great to have you home! We redecorated your room because this hobo just got a job here and he was more important to us than you ever were. Just yesterday, Duke called Cliff his son! Oh my! But you are still our only daughter and we are forced to love you. Maybe you'll be able to marry Cliff! Wait, would that be incest? No, I suppose not since you are not blood related. YAY! Oh my goddess! I can't wait to tell the village women that you are back! The goddess festival is soon so you can participate! Oh my goddess! You will be awesome! I have a daughter again so everyone will envy me, and."  
  
"MOM! Would you PLEASE shut the FUCK up?!" Aja lashed out, showing her true temper.  
  
Suddenly Manna broke down and began to cry, "My daughter hates me! And Duke is always drunk, and he got mad when he found the mayor and I in bed together, can you believe that?! Oh, gossip! I heard that Joanna is coming back to town as well and she will be continuing her job as a prostitute, how much fun is that? Oh my goddess!" Manna had oddly perked up again.  
  
Aja rolled her eyes and shoved her mother into the wine cellar. "Shut up already" she hissed.  
  
"And can you believe that Jack turned out to be gay?! Oh my goddess! Jeff and him are quite the item if I do say so myself." Manna went on from the cellar.  
  
Aja looked around for her father, when all of a sudden Duke came out of the kitchen zipping up his pants. "I just took a leak. It was good." He said, slurring his words.  
  
"Dad.you were just in the kitchen." Aja pointed out.  
  
"That's the best part, woooooooooooo!!!!!!" Duke suddenly ripped his clothes off, and ran outside streaking the neighbourhood.  
  
"They need help." Aja sighed. The doorbell rang and she felt too lazy to get up and go answer it so she just sat down on the floor and watched the ceiling. Once again, the doorbell rang, and once again Aja ignored it. Just then, a brick was hurled through the window and a young brunette smashed the remaining pieces of glass from the window frame, and crawled inside. "Oh, your home." She said, sounding disappointed. "Not that I was going to rob you or anything." She laughed innocently.  
  
"Who the FUCK are you?!" Aja got up angered. "And what the FUCK did you do to my window?"  
  
The girl smiled, "My name is Hannah, I'm the host of THE BACHELORETTE, and you were chosen to be this season's bachelorette. I merely broke your window, no harm done."  
  
Aja glared at the girl. "How did you know I wanted to apply if I didn't even submit an application?!"  
  
Hannah laughed sheepishly. "Pigeons."  
  
"Excuse me?!" Aja demanded an answer.  
  
Hannah just shrugged, "The magic of television?" She said, half guessingly.  
  
As if that explained everything, Aja nodded. "Oh.I see, so where are my suitors?"  
  
"They'll arrive in due time, whore- I mean Aja. In due time indeed." Hannah nodded wisely.  
  
After an hour and a half of waiting, the doorbell finally rang. Excitedly Aja ran over to open the door. Seven gentleman stood outside, smiling smugly. "Hi!" Aja squealed. "My name is Aja, now what the FUCK are your names?!"  
  
The first one had long brown hair with a hint of blond highlights. He was quite handsome. "My name is Cliff, I was homeless until about a month ago when this kind family here at this winery gave me their whorey daughter's room. She must have been quite a bitch for the way they talked about her!" Cliff erupted into laughter.  
  
"Poo to you!" Aja hissed.  
  
Cliff was dumbfounded, "Poo to me?!"  
  
"lalalapoopoo" Aja plugged her ears and sang.  
  
Cliff turned to the other guys, "Anyway, I'm a drug dealer, so if any of you need the good shiz you know who to come to."  
  
The next to speak was a mailman. "Hello Aja, remember me? It is I, Harris, Your one true love!" Aja could hardly hear a word he was saying. She was too distracted by his gigantic nose.  
  
"Yeah, very nice." Aja coughed, "Next bachelor?"  
  
"I'm Gray." The third one said. He was a cute fellow wearing a cap. His hair was reddish but he was completely and utterly hot. "..................Yeah................"  
  
"I'm Tim, the doctor." The good-looking man in the lab coat said, almost glaring at her. "It is a pleasure to meet you." He glared even deeper. "I am looking for true love. Most definitely I won't find it with trash like you, but you never know. I also have a fetish."  
  
Aja didn't know whether to be delighted or afraid of the doctor. "Right."  
  
The doctor continued, "During sex, I like to wear pink tutu's. They make me feel so.......alive." He twirled around like a princess and plucked some flowers from the ground. At first Aja thought he was going to give them to her, but she was proved wrong. He put them in his hair and raised his fist. "Xena, Warrior Princess!" He turned to the other males in the group. "If any of you need sexual assistance, I mean, medical care just ask."  
  
Aja's eyes widened, but she shrugged it off and looked at the next guy in line, a man with orange hair and glasses.  
  
"I'm Rick!" He declared. "I like chickens and I like to build things, got a problem with that?! Do you?!?!" He shook his fist at her. "Take that back!"  
  
Aja stared blankly at him. "Take what back?"  
  
"Whore!" He pointed at her with great disgust.  
  
Aja was completely lost. "What?!"  
  
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! DIE BITCH!" Rick began to strangle Aja, but the other guys restrained him. As the breathless Aja looked at Rick with fear, Rick looked back at her with lovingly eyes. "I'd love to get to know you better." This man obviously had issues.  
  
The next guy was darker than the others and wore a purple bandana. "Yo." He started, "I'm Kai, I'm also a pimp, yah fat-ass whore. I'd love to pimp that ass! Woo-Yeah! Give it to Daddy!" He twirled Aja around and started spanking her.  
  
"Stop it this instance!" Aja gnarled.  
  
"Woo! This bitch has some fight in her!" Kai put on his pimp hat and flashed his pimp "cane". "Like what you see ho? Sure yah do! Give Daddy what daddy likes!"  
  
Aja slapped him, but he seemed to enjoy it. Finally the last guy introduced himself.  
  
He was an older man, with a gruff face and big muscles. He was terribly ugly though, too ugly to be seen with. "I'm Zack. That is my name. Yes. I want to make fuck with you." Aja was at a loss for words.  
  
"Well!" Hannah broke the awkward silence. "I'll let you get to know these hunks better but by the end of the night. Two of them will be headed home." She informed Aja, sounding sympathetic. "Do your thing." With that said, Hannah left the scene.  
  
The guys all went inside where Aja sat them down in her kitchen. "So what do you all do for fun?" She asked them.  
  
Zack looked at her strangely. "Fun?! What is this word you speak of? Fun?"  
  
Aja thought for a minute, "It's like getting drunk and having unprotected sex. The feeling of it all!" She nodded, pleased with her answer.  
  
"Bitch!" Kai shouted, "I pimp mah ho's and ripp'em off! Hahahaha!"  
  
"What about you Cliff?" Aja turned to Cliff who was smoking a pipe.  
  
"I was once homeless." He stated.  
  
"Yeah you already told us that, but what do you do for fun?" She asked once again.  
  
Cliff thought for a moment, "I'm was once homeless." Aja slapped her forehead.  
  
"Gray?" She asked, trying to be hopeful.  
  
Gray shifted uneasily. "................Yeah........"  
  
Aja turned to the doctor, but he was too busy putting on make up so she turned to Harris, but he was too busy shining his gigantic nose. Everyone seemed freaky, not a single normal person in sight.  
  
Suddenly KiT, from last season kicked the door down and pointed at Aja. "You, good whore are trying to STEAL MY MAN!"  
  
Aja was startled, "What?! I did no such thing!" she retorted.  
  
"Yes you did, you SLEPT WITH RICK!" KiT began to throw household items at Aja. "You WHORE! Whorish Whoriety Whore whore!"  
  
Suddenly, Kayla showed up as well. "And Cliffie is mine!" She took out her ray gun and pointed it to Aja, "Prepare."  
  
"To die." Kit finished the sentence. The two of them performed fancy footwork than dropkicked Aja. "Yeah!" they both shouted in unison giving each other a high five. Moments later they were escorted away.  
  
"I know 1337!" Kit screamed as she was carried away, "I will be back!"  
  
Aja sighed, rubbing her forhead. Harris suddenly stood beside her and tapped her shoulder. "Don't worry about your friends, they're just going home." He smiled deliriously.  
  
"Home?" Aja asked.  
  
"Yes, sometimes I like to stalk random people at the mall. They are sweet enough to make sure a policeman escorts me home.I love white padded walls." Harris spoke with a gleam of craziness in his eye.  
  
"We live in Mineral, there are NO malls here." Aja said rolling her eyes.  
  
"Whore houses then." Harris shrugged.  
  
"Did someone say Whore?!" Kai stood, taking out his gun. "I know there are some gangsters up in here! I feel some illegal shit up here! Biatch!"  
  
Cliff suddenly shoved the pound of marijuana he was using into his pocket. "What? No way!"  
  
Tim, the doctor was currently dancing to some Britney Spears music when he stopped at Kai's revelation. "Yes! It is true, I was born a MAN!"  
  
They all looked at Tim strangely, when suddenly Gray of all people broke out into song.  
  
"I think I'll take a walk outside!" He began, "Sun is shining high!"  
  
Everyone's shocked eyes were now on Gray, who had suddenly become silent again. "Sorry, it was the hash.I mean, hash browns." He corrected himself when he noticed Cliff in the back doing the "cut-throat" sign.  
  
Zack stared at the wall quietly, sweat trickled down his brow. "I no like the beer."  
  
"f34r t3h b33r!" KiT shouted from her new home at the mental asylum.  
  
"I like chickens, and inventions. I make inventions that cook chickens so that I could molest them while they are on my tray and." Rick told the others.  
  
"I like mail! Sometimes I get so excited from seeing a piece of mail I wet myself!" Harris laughed.  
  
"I like penis-I mean, pennies!" Tim giggled, hoping no one had caught on.  
  
Hannah returned to face Aja. "It is now time." She took her outside the winery to explain what the process would be.  
  
"Alright Aja, I will give you seven letters the gentlemen inside wrote. Once you are done you will go inside and the weed ceremony will be held. Alright? There are only five weeds so TWO people are getting cut today." Hannah explained.  
  
Aja nodded. "Just one thing, how did they have time to write the letters?"  
  
"The magic of television." Was Hannah's excuse once again as she handed Aja the letters.  
  
Cliff's letter:  
  
Hey babe,  
  
I could hook you up with the good shit.  
  
I know so many drug lords,  
  
And believe me when I say that Kayla's baby is NOT mine.  
  
Love,  
  
Cliffie  
  
Kai's letter:  
  
Y0 biatch,  
  
Gimme yer lovin.  
  
Shake that ass!  
  
~Kai.  
  
Tim's letter:  
  
You should pick me because we have SO MUCH in common.  
  
Or if you don't pick me, hook me up with one of the guys-I mean,  
  
One of your friends. Thanks.  
  
Tim  
  
Rick's letter:  
  
I HATE YOU!  
  
YOU'RE A BITCH!  
  
Pick me.  
  
I love you  
  
~Rick  
  
Harris' letter:  
  
Tonight I showed you my soul  
  
Show me yours.  
  
Harris  
  
Gray's letter:  
  
....hi...  
  
~Gray  
  
Zack's letter:  
  
Remember  
  
We make fuck  
  
Moonlight  
  
Tonight.  
  
~Zack  
  
Aja read the letters carefully and sighed, "It's a tough decision but I know what to do." She told Hannah and headed inside to see the gentlemen. "Hello guys, this is the weed ceremony. I have Seven WONDERFUL guys but only Five weeds. Too bad, so sad. The first person I will ask to stay is..Cliff!"  
  
Cliff got up and received his rose. "Thank you."  
  
Aja grabbed the next weed and looked at the six guys, "Gray."  
  
Gray got up and snatched his rose without saying a word.  
  
Aja knew who the next weed was for, "Kai."  
  
Kai got up and smacked her ass, taking the weed as he went back to his seat.  
  
Aja picked up the next weed, "Rick."  
  
Rick got up and gracefully accepted his weed. "Honeykins!" he sweetly added, causing KiT to go on a rampage in her cell.  
  
Hannah interrupted. "This is the last weed." She reminded Aja.  
  
Aja sighed looking at the guys, each one looked disheartened. "Tim."  
  
Tim got up and squealed like a school girl, taking his rose and sitting back down. "Oh my goddess! Yay for me! Cosmo girl rocks!"  
  
Harris and Zack looked at each other. Each with a look of defeat on their faces. "Well" Hannah cut in, "Zack, Harris, it's time for you two to leave."  
  
Zack got up and began to beat each of the remaining men into a bloody pulp, while Harris left gracefully. "Don't you make fuck with Aja!" Zack yelled throwing another punch at Cliff, then he departed as well.  
  
As the two headed outside, Harris's nose acted like a mirror as it reflected each of the lights from town. "It was fun while it lasted but that girl was just too..nose-y" Harris told the camera. "My nosenose didn't like her." With that said, the two walked off in harmony.  
  
Hannah turned to Aja and the five remaining guys. "Well next week FIVE of you are going to be leaving, but it seems it won't work right now, but it will when we show you our next twist. Next ceremony will make the final three. Here's why." Suddenly, a green imp-looking creature, a harvest sprite and a cow came walking in.  
  
"That's Kappa!" Hannah said pointed to the green imp.  
  
Kappa waved to a distraught Aja, "hi! Me like sex! Sex with girls! Human girls! You be girl!"  
  
Aja cried in disgust, "Get that THING away from me!"  
  
"Next, that's lalalapoopoo, the harvest sprite. Watching earlier we realized it was a word that Aja really liked." Hannah grinned evilly.  
  
Lalalapoopoo waved to Aja, "Echmay Potato!"  
  
Lastly, Hannah pointed to the cow. "That is Bessie, she is not just ANY cow. She is a MAGIC cow."  
  
"Moooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!" Bessie grunted.  
  
"And also, next round the dates begin. Have fun!" Hannah waved to the group and ran off cackling. 


	7. Round Two: Giant Episode

Harvest Moon: The Bachelorette  
  
~*~Seven Guys, all vying for Aja's affection. Only one will be her husband. Gray, Cliff, Kai, Rick, Tim, Lalalapoopoo, Kappa, and a cow named Bessie.~*~  
  
Aja woke up to screeching, as she heard the men bickering from the floor below. "Oh god, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW?!" She got out of bed, and marched down the steps angrily as they had kept her up all night. Opening the wine cellar she saw Cliff and Rick arguing. "What's going on?" Aja demanded to know.  
  
Cliff stood glaring at Rick, "Did you know this guy has sex with chickens?!"  
  
Aja gasped, disgusted, "Rick that can't be true!"  
  
"Well, yeah it is. I wouldn't talk if I were you Aja, you know very well I could kill you with my bare hands." With that said, Rick erupted into laughter. "What, You don't think it's funny? That was just a joke! You whore!"  
  
Cliff stepped in, "Don't talk to her like that!"  
  
Rick laughed at Cliff as well. "Oh you're her knight and shining armour right? Well Cliff is a strong believer in dendrophilia!"  
  
"Hey man, at least I don't fuck chickens!" Cliff yelled.  
  
Rick pointed an angry finger at Cliff. "No you fuck trees you sick freak!"  
  
Aja looked back and forth between Cliff and Rick. "You have sex with TREES?!"  
  
Cliff's eyes shuffled from left to right. "Okay, so I get aroused whenever I pass a garden, so what? Isn't that completely normal? I mean, I'm a man! I have needs! Some needs can only be released by tree's with all their bark and leaves.so sexy.ah, besides! Some of the best drugs wouldn't even exist without them!" He took out his stash pointed at several different drugs.  
  
Aja was still dumbstruck. "I'm sorry, you have sex with TREES?!?!"  
  
Cliff shrugged, "Everyone is doing it! Hey, why don't you have some weed to calm you down! Free of charge!"  
  
Rick smirked, "Aja, it's not a big deal. I rape chickens, Cliff molests trees, Tim sleeps with men. Everyone has their own side preference, you know?"  
  
Tim was watching Jenny Jones when he suddenly heard his name, "I'm here watching this talk show, It's good! It's MOMS THAT DRESS TO SEXY!"  
  
Kai sat down beside Tim. "That a boy! Looking at the milf's nice racks, eh?"  
  
Tim shook his head, "No! I just love what they're wearing! I wish I could pull that off!"  
  
Kai got up, moving far away from Tim. "So yeah, the other day I was talking to one of mah hoes right? She's like 'what do I do if a costumer is not satisfied' so I'm like 'bitch! Send me the money, yah skank ass ho!"  
  
Aja's eyes widened even more. "Yeah, heh I know exactly what you mean! Anyway, I have to go now." Turning around she noticed The harvest sprite known as Lalalapoopoo on top of Bessie.  
  
"Wild Night fun! More sex!" It screamed. The cow mooed wildly as the two continued with their actions.  
  
Aja turned to Gray, hoping he was normal. Gray sat there staring at the wall doing absolutely nothing. ".........." She shrieked in horror. "Oh my god! You are all a bunch of freaks!"  
  
Hannah marched in with a smile on her face, "So did I come at the right time?"  
  
Aja turned to Hannah and hugged her tightly. "Oh my god! You're normal! I love you!"  
  
Hannah smiled, "Yes, I have that effect on people, but I'm not like that sorry." Aja looked at her strangely. "eh, so now it is time for the group dates! On the first date it will be Rick, Gray and Cliff!"  
  
"Oh goodie." Aja said sarcastically, as she led the three boys out of the cellar.  
  
Aja and her suitors walked up to the mountain landscape to breathe fresh air and enjoy the scenery. "Isn't it beautiful here?"  
  
"Yeah it is." Cliff said looking at one of the trees longingly. He mouthed the words "I love you" to the tree. "So, where's everyone else?"  
  
"Huh?" Aja turned around only to see Rick half way down the mountain with something in his pants. It was moving and making chicken noises. "Oh no! You didn't! You zoophilia freak!"  
  
She turned around again, and Cliff was gone. He was slamming his body into the tree. "Oh my god! You people are sick! And.and, I love it!"  
  
Gray was sitting on the ground, staring at the sky. He remained silent.  
  
"Aja I HATE YOU! YOU'RE A WHORE! I WILL MURDER YOU TONIGHT! Don't you think I'm sweet?" Rick asked.  
  
Aja was in love with the three suitors. "KiT and Kayla aren't here to stop me either!" she laughed evilly.  
  
Suddenly a tree fell directly on top of her, and she spat out some teeth. "I think it's time for the next date."  
  
The next date was with Kai, Tim and Kappa. Aja brought the gentlemen to the beach. "Isn't it great?"  
  
Tim started to cry, "Yes! But it needs flowers! Oh the prettiness!"  
  
Kappa grunted, and in a high pitched voice responded "It could use a pond as well."  
  
Suddenly Kai started to unbuckle his belt. "Oh man, this is getting me hot! Aja I need you to do me a favour!"  
  
Aja was disgusted, "NO! I will not do that!"  
  
"But why? I make home videos all the time! Cliff and his trees, Rick and his chickens, Tim and his patients, Popuri and her flowers. Why not?" Kai asked as he rubbed Aja's hand.  
  
Aja sighed, "You're a sick freak and I want to go home."  
  
"Ho! I ought to give you a good spanking!" Kai stood.  
  
"Let's go home NOW!"  
  
The last date never took place due to the fact that Lalalapoopoo and Bessie went missing.  
  
It was now time for the Weed ceremony, as Aja prepared in the mirror room. Hannah gave her a few letters to look over.  
  
Cliff's letter:  
  
Hey Aja,  
  
Remember I can hook you up!  
  
So what if I fuck trees? Its all good.  
  
Cliff  
  
Kai's letter:  
  
Your nothing but a no good ho! You would bring me no money!  
  
Eliminate me BIIIIIATCH!  
  
Kai  
  
Rick's letter:  
  
I hate you! You smell like shit!  
  
I'd rather fuck a chicken!  
  
The last sentence was VERY TRUE  
  
Hehe  
  
Love, Rick  
  
Gray's Letter:  
  
.  
  
Kappa's letter:  
  
Be my sprite and live with me forever in the pond of dreams!  
  
Aja nodded, but wondered about the other two letters. "Lalalapoopoo and Bessie left the show. Bessie got pregnant and everything got complicated. Anyway, You must now eliminate THREE suitors. Go in and do your thing!"  
  
Aja walked in, "Good evening everybody. I must now eliminate three of you. Just know that in a weird way I like you all." And so, she grabbed the first weed. "Cliff."  
  
Cliff walked up, and grabbed his weed. "Just like my weed, baby."  
  
Aja giggled and picked up the second weed. "Rick."  
  
Rick strode over to Aja and snatched his weed. "I hate you! Thanks."  
  
Aja picked up her final weed, looking at each bachelor. Gray, Tim, Kai or Kappa?  
  
"Gray."  
  
Gray walked up to her and grabbed his weed. He didn't say a word throughout the process.  
  
Tim, Kai and Kappa looked at each other with disappointed looks. "I'm sorry guys!" Aja sighed, sadly. "The other guys are really fucked up, but they're hot as hell. You cant compete with that."  
  
Kai walked up to Aja and slapped her across the face, "Whore! You never made me any money anyway!"  
  
Tim got up, crying. "I thought I wanted to be with you Aja but I was wrong." He pouted, "I want to be you." With that said, Tim and Kai walked out holding hands. Kappa followed them.  
  
The three guys got on their donkeys and rode off each thinking very different things.  
  
"I need more hoes for the home movies, yo." Kai thought out loud.  
  
"I need to buy some make up, I should pick some up on the way home." Tim sighed.  
  
"My queen was a whore." Kappa noted.  
  
And so, the day was over. Three bachelors remained. Aja would soon meet their families and cut one more bachelor. Whom would that be?  
  
The following morning, Aja woke up feeling light and excited. She pranced down the stairs but the guys were nowhere in sight. Suddenly she heard a girl's voice yell "CHICKEN-FUCKER!" she followed the voice to the cellar, where Cliff, Rick and Gray were. The boys were all strapped to chairs, blindfolded and naked. The girls surrounded them, yelling and slapping them with padded sticks.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?!"  
  
KiT, Kayla and the host, Hannah all smiled at Aja. In unison they said "You pick my man, you die." With that said, the three headed out leaving Aja dumbfounded. Moments later Hannah returned as if nothing had happened. "Okay! So today you will meet your suitor's family! You will be meeting Rick's family first! Just give him a moment to prepare and you two will be on your way!"  
  
Rick got dressed, and brought Aja to his family's poultry farm. "Yeah here it is. Why don't you go inside? I'll stay in here and uh feed the chickens!"  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Aja screamed as she pulled Rick by the ear and led him inside. What she found disgusted her beyond belief. "What the..?!" inside, Rick's mother Lillia was chanting to some demon, and his sister Popuri was videotaping two chickens having sex.  
  
"That's my mother and my sister! There, no more introductions. Now I'll leave you alone with them!" with that said, Rick scampered out.  
  
"So." Lillia's eyes narrowed down to Aja. "Your Rick's new girlfriend, eh? Well You don't have pink hair so I HATE YOU! I could never support a wedding with no pink."  
  
Aja's eyes continued to widen, "What if I dyed my hair? Or wore pink?"  
  
Lillia stood, grabbing a chicken that ran across the room. "Fuck this chicken. When you are done, tell me. Then you will be ready."  
  
Popuri smiled, "Don't look so glum! I fuck chickens all the time! It's so much fun! I could show you some techniques if you wish!"  
  
Aja coughed, "No, actually I'll just be heading out thank you." With that said, she turned around and left.  
  
Aja saw Rick humping some the fence, and grabbed him roughly. "Your family is freaky!"  
  
Suddenly the door to the farm house knocked down, and Popuri walked out. Her eyes glowing. "I can shoot hyper bolts through my eyes. I suggest you run, whore. Run fast!"  
  
Aja started to cry, and ran far away. Rick sighed, "How come you guys always do that?"  
  
Lillia smiled to her son. "We love you honey-poopoo."  
  
The next house Aja visited was Gray's house. The two knocked on the blacksmith shop's door and waited patiently. An old gruff looking man opened the door. "Gray! You son of a bitch! You just left your work! What the hell is with that? You will never be as good as me, loser!" suddenly he noticed Aja. "Oh hello! Yes, I'm Gray's loving grandfather, how do you do?" he turned back to Gray. "So you decided to try a ho, eh?" Gray looked at his grandfather in disgust. "Well I would have picked a prettier one but hey! What do I know?"  
  
Aja's vein on her forehead was about to explode. "I am pretty!" she stated.  
  
"Sure, you are! Keep telling yourself that, sweetie." He leaned in to whisper in Gray's ear. "She's a bitch too. My, I knew you were a loser but come on! Even you can do better!"  
  
Aja was offended, "I'm insulted!"  
  
"And I'm Saibara." He said, meekly. Aja grabbed Gray's hand and ran off for the second time.  
  
Aja and Cliff walked into the mountains together. "Well I don't have a family, or a house, but I do have a mate." Suddenly a bird flew and perched on his head. "This is Kain."  
  
"Oh how sweet!" Aja said delightfully as she tried to pet the bird. The bird bit her hand. "Ouch! You BASTARD! I mean, oh.look at that, he bit me."  
  
Cliff smiled, "Kain hates girls. Anyway." Cliff took out some cocaine. "While we're here let's party like We're rock stars!"  
  
Aja looked at Cliff strangely "Sure whatever." And so, the two got hammered.  
  
That night Aja felt conflicted. The weed ceremony was approaching and she didn't know who to eliminate. Suddenly a chandelier feel on her head and she fainted.  
  
That night, Hannah gave Aja the letters from the guys.  
  
Cliff's letter:  
  
Yo, aren't you having fun with me?  
  
I have magic mushrooms with your name on it  
  
Cliff  
  
Rick's letter:  
  
YOU EVIL WHOREY UGLY BITCH that I love.  
  
You make me think of chickens and I like that.  
  
Love always, Rick  
  
Gray's letter:  
  
..  
  
Aja nodded, knowing what she had to do. She entered the cellar feeling worried. Was she making the right decision? She began "Hello gentlemen. Tonight one of you will be eliminated. I love you all, so please forgive me." She picked up the first weed.  
  
Rick cracked his knuckles, not worried. Even if he lost, the chickens would console him. Gray sat there staring blankly and Cliff just smiled smugly.  
  
"Cliff"  
  
Cliff walked up to Aja and accepted the weed. "Thank you, here are your mushrooms." He placed a bag in her pocket.  
  
Aja picked up the final weed. Hannah interrupted. "This is the last weed, the man without a weed will be eliminated."  
  
Aja nodded and sighed. Rick and Gray just glared at each other.  
  
"Rick"  
  
Rick jumped up for joy and ran across the room to get his rose. "Thanks, you're a whore!"  
  
Gray sat there, as the only man eliminated. He got up, and walked outside. ".She was a dork anyway." He nodded at this, got on his donkey and silently rode off.  
  
Hannah smiled. "Well it's down to Rick and Cliff! The final dates and the parental meetings will happen these next few days, stay strong. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go comfort Gray." And so, Hannah ran off chasing Gray's horse and Aja stood there before her two suitors. She had a tough decision to make. 


	8. Round Three: Meet my folks and Marry me

Harvest Moon: The Bachelorette  
  
~Two men vying for Aja's heart. Only one will walk down the isle beside her, who will it be? Rick or Cliff? ~  
  
The Bachelorette finale started pretty much the same as the Bachelor finale. The "Men Tell All" segment began as former Bachelorette contestants waved to the camera. Hannah sat on a Pedi stool waving to everyone and smiling at their applause. "Welcome to The Bachelorette Finale! First we will be speaking to the losers! How fun! The losers include: Gray, Kai, Tim, Kappa, Bessie, Lalalapoopoo, Harris and Zack!"  
  
The audience went insane with applause as Hannah looked over to the newly added addition to the loser group. "Gray, how does it feel to be rejected on national television? Does it hurt? Do you want to cry? You can cry if you want to."  
  
Gray sighed, "Not too good..."  
  
Hannah nodded, "And how did you feel when you realized you were a LOSER?"  
  
Gray glared at Hannah darkly, "Well....."  
  
Hannah nodded, "And since you were not good enough for princess Aja, that means you are a complete lowlife and no one else will want to marry you! So marry me!" She jumped up and did a cheer.  
  
Gray folded his arms and stared at her grimly. "No. I'd rather die."  
  
Hannah was about to cry, when she suddenly spotted KiT and Kayla in the audience. "Tie him up girls!" She yelled and the two tackled Gray to the ground, hog-tying him. "Isn't math fun?"  
  
"This has nothing to do with math, whore." KiT informed her friend.  
  
Hannah stared blankly, "Yeah I understand. Anyway, I'll moles-I mean, talk to Gray after the show. Now from a pimp's perspective, am I hot?"  
  
Kai wore a pimp hat and jacket. He had a pipe which he blew bubbles out of. "Honey, any whore can be hot! It takes a real woman to take action, damn it! So get down on all fours and scrub the dirty floor, biatch!"  
  
"That's icky; I would never scrub the floor." Hannah shook her head.  
  
"I'll give you a quarter if you do." Kai offered, as he grinned smugly. Hannah jumped at this.  
  
"Oh okay!" and so, Hannah scrubbed the floor disregarding her previous quote.  
  
KiT rolled her eyes, "I'll continue this, so Tim, you're a cross dresser. Do any impersonations?"  
  
Tim giggled, "Why yes! I make a great Tina Turner!"  
  
KiT smiled, "Why don't you show us?"  
  
Tim's smile suddenly vanished, "Well I left my strap-on at home, and anyway it costs money. Something none of you have."  
  
KiT made a fist, "Why I ought to!"  
  
"KiT! Calm down!" Kayla squealed, "So Kappa, once you left the show you returned to your pond. I have to questions: One, How do you live in a pond and two, Meet anyone special lately?"  
  
Kappa thought for a moment before responding. "One, I am magical and can do anything without scientific reason, and two, I am pregnant with the Goddess' baby."  
  
"Oh!" Kayla smiled with delight, "That sounds special!"  
  
Hannah shoved her two friends out of the way, "Okay I'm back! Now who else to ask? Zack! Why did you go on the show? Aren't you double Aja's age?"  
  
Zack sighed and cowered. "Yes. Zack be old, Zack be quick, Zack jump over the candlestick."  
  
Hannah looked at him strangely but simply shrugged, she turned her attention to Harris. "You have a big nose."  
  
"Hey! That wasn't even a question!" Harris stood in protest.  
  
Hannah smiled, "And that's not a nose, that's... hell, I don't know! Anyway has anyone learned any life lessons on this show?"  
  
Kai raised his hand, "Once a ho, always a ho. A ho will scrub the floor for a quarter, I told you so!"  
  
Lalalapoopoo raised his hand, "Otter-Pay Harry, say Ello-hay! Echmay Potato! Mating."  
  
Hannah froze, "YES! EXACTLY!"  
  
No one knew what was going on but they didn't care, so they just applauded. "So, who does everyone think Aja will choose?"  
  
All at once, everyone screamed "NO ONE! SHE WILL BE A LESBIAN IN A BIZZARE TWIST!"  
  
Hannah grinned, "But we had that twist last time!"  
  
Once again, in unison the crowd screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET US WATCH THE FINALE!"  
  
Hannah laughed embarrassed. "Alright then!"  
  
--------------  
  
When Aja woke up, she spotted Hannah sitting beside the bed, drawing on her sketchpad. "Hello Chosen One. Good Morning Sunshine, The earth says hello."  
  
Aja looked up at Hannah oddly, and then responded with a grunt. "What do you want?"  
  
"Cliff is on his way over; he will be meeting your parents! Then the two of you can go off and have a decent date. Later tonight Rick will come over to meet your parents, and the two of you will proceed to your date! Ready? Good! Bye!" With that said, Hannah ran out in a hurry.  
  
Aja got ready and unlocked the closet where she was keeping her parents. They tumbled out painfully. "Cliff is coming over, don't be stupid!" She said in a harsh tone, suddenly Cliff knocked on the door. "That's him! I mean it, don't be stupid or I will kill you and make it look like an accident." Manna and Duke looked at each other in disbelief as their sweet charming daughter let the homeless guy inside. "Hey Cliff! These are my folks!"  
  
Cliff nodded, "Yeah I know them." He took out a bag full of white powder and handed it to Duke. "It's what you ordered." Duke took the bag and smiled. Aja stared in disbelief.  
  
"Cliff is backing home! Oh my goddess! I love you like a son!" Manna screeched as she hugged her impostor-son. "If Aja wasn't interested in you, I would so sleep with you, oh my goddess! Everyone will be so jealous!"  
  
"MOM!" Aja glared at her mother.  
  
"I always wanted a son," Duke began, "But I got some skank instead."  
  
"DAD!" Aja's glare directed towards her father now.  
  
Manna sighed, "Aja, just because your father and I like Cliff better than you does not mean you aren't our daughter. We are forced to love you with the bond we share."  
  
Aja buried her face in her hands, "Did you know that Cliff FUCKS TREES?"  
  
Manna smiled, "You don't say! I would love to try that sometime, oh my goddess!"  
  
Aja just shook her head, "I give up."  
  
Later, Aja and Cliff sat on the sandy beach staring out into the ocean. Aja had something she needed to ask Cliff, "Cliff do you really like me?"  
  
Cliff smiled warmly, "Of course! I love you like I love trees! Well, I like trees more, but you get the point." Aja was satisfied with this answer and hugged him tightly.  
  
Rick arrived at the winery later that day, Duke opened the door. "Hi is Aja home?"  
  
"Who ARE you?! DORK! We don't want you in our house! Our daughter is our prized possession and we will only give her to Cliff-I mean, a good young man! Not you!"  
  
Aja pushed her father out of the way, "Hi Rick!"  
  
Rick gave Aja some chicken feed, "I thought it was the right thing to do, it's quite delicious. After I hump my chickens I love to eat loads of this stuff."  
  
Manna walked in, disturbed. "You screw your chickens? You are a freak!"  
  
Aja glared at her mother, "Yet you were opened to the idea of fucking trees."  
  
Manna shook her head, "That was different! I like Cliff!"  
  
Duke nodded at this comment, "And we hate Rick! Be gone!"  
  
Rick's patience was wasting and he could take it no more. "I HATE YOU ALL! I am going home where I will FUCK all of my chickens! Then I will go propose to Karen! Good day!" Rick marched out, and Aja ran after him.  
  
"Rick wait up!" Aja called after him, crying. "I know my parents are freaks but if we get married we will move away anyway! So please, don't run away on account of my parents! So what if they hate you? They are only my parents by blood."  
  
Rick sighed, "Aja you are ruining my life...but I love you."  
  
Aja ran to him and the two hugged at once. "Let us go back to my place and have an orgy with out chickens! Mom said we could!" and so, the two headed off.  
  
------------------  
  
Aja was conflicted with her decision, she had to make up her mind quick. Cliff or Rick? She stood on the steps of the winery, waiting for her two suitors. "It is now time to choose, Both gentlemen will come here, not knowing who came first. One will be chosen and continue this journey of love as your fiancé, while the other will be eliminated. Let us start the process."  
  
Cliff walked down the lonesome path to the winery. He smiled and walked up the steps to meet with Aja. "Hey! No pressure Aja, but if you don't pick me your parents will kill you. They ordered many drugs through me, and if you aren't mine tonight I won't deliver." He took out some powder and sniffed it, "So tell me your decision. The trees are watching."  
  
Aja sighed, "Cliff, I like you a lot and my parents seem to love you." Aja took a big gulp. "Which is why I am going to have to say goodbye. You're an unemployed homeless loser with a drug addiction and a strange attraction to trees. I'm sorry I don't want to be with you."  
  
Cliff was blown away, "That's your loss. Just because you're a rebellious drunken whore like Karen doesn't mean you can come along and waste other people's time! You Non-tree-fuckers are all the same! Yeah I'm homeless and now I am going HOME to my homelessness home. Good day!" He turned around and walked off. He had fed his donkey some marijuana earlier so his donkey was in no condition to carry Cliff home, which was pretty much anywhere.  
  
Aja waited patiently, knowing KiT, Manna and Duke all would love to kill her right about now. Rick walked up to her. "Rick, I love you, My parents hate you, Let's mate!" and so, the two ran inside. It was obvious Aja had made her decision.  
  
Hannah stood outside facing the camera. "Aja and Rick, will it last? Will KiT kill them? And what will happen NEXT SEASON on the Bachelor?!" 


	9. Round One: A New Adventure

Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~Eight Girls, vying for Kurt's affection. Katie, Gina, Dia, Gwen, Lyla, Nami, Muffy, and Celia~  
  
Kurt arrived back to his living quarters from foraging earlier. He did not expect to see a cute brunette standing in front of his home. "Hey!" She squealed as she spotted him, "I'm Hannah, the host of Harvest Moon: The Bachelor! You were selected as the second bachelor!" Kurt sighed, he wasn't really a "people person" he just liked being alone. "Aren't you excited?" Hannah asked.  
  
Kurt replied merely with a shrug. "Oh this will be so cool! I think one of the girls are here now!" Kurt rolled his eyes, he couldn't block Hannah's high pitched voice out of his head.  
  
The first girl wore a long green dress, she had shoulder length black hair and cute green eyes. When she approached the two, she glared at Hannah. "Hello, I'm Dia. I am the most beautiful creature, our goddess has ever made. I'm sure you agree, as I'm sure you are enthused to meet me. I know, I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet, rich and POPULAR. Every girl wants to be me, and every guy wants to date me."  
  
Kurt shrugged once again, "Eh"  
  
Dia's face twisted in disgust, "Eh? Is that how you greet a lady? Some manners! Hmph! You dumb paupers are all the same! You just envy us rich folk." She beamed as she said the word "rich". Dia looked around, "There is NO WAY I am walking on this disgusting floor!" She snapped her fingers and two servants ran up to her, and picked her up. "Much better. Now bring me water, NOW!" Once again, the snapping of her fingers were heard as two more servants ran up to her carrying two freshly poured mineral fresh glasses of water. Dia took a sip of the first glass, "This water is WARM!" She suddenly grabbed the glass and threw it at her servant. "You stupid fool! You are fired!" Her servant ran off crying. She then sipped the second glass, "WHAT?! THIS TASTES LIKE WATER!"  
  
"Miss Dia! That is what you asked for!" Her servant pleaded.  
  
"I have heard enough! SAY YOUR PRAYERS!" Dia threatened.  
  
"Oh Dia, Goddess of beauty and light forgive me!" Dia's servant sobbed as he got down on his knees. Dia looked him in the face.  
  
"KILL HIM! HE BROUGHT ME NASTY WATER!" Five guards ran out and tackled the servant down, taking him away. "Off with his head!"  
  
Dia returned to the presence of Kurt and Hannah. "I have NEVER competed for anything because I always get what I want. So let me get this straight with you, I am not competing for you, YOU are competing for me, you pile of trash!" Dia laughed as he tossed him a single gold coin, "Go get some new clothes, you look like a cow." She turned to Hannah, "And YOU! Get out of here, your harsh appearance makes me want to weep. Be gone or I shall make you be gone." She snapped her fingers and was instantly taken inside.  
  
Hannah was left dumbfounded, "Well she sure seems nice."  
  
The second girl arrived soon after, she was a blonde who wore her hair in a pony tail. Her clothes were that of a tomboy. "Hey!" She called as she spotted the two. "My name is Gwen and I love animals!"  
  
Hannah smiled, "You seem normal!"  
  
Gwen nodded, "Yeah! I am normal! As normal as they come! Hehe, normal. That's me!" Her eyes shuffled from side to side. "So, do you have any fodder? Its delicious! I mean, it's quite good. I mean... ugh."  
  
Hannah smirked, shaking her head. "We have had one of you before."  
  
Gwen sighed in relief, "You mean, You have had Human-Animal hybrids before? What a relief!" Gwen blew a kiss to Kurt, who was beyond disturbed, "I don't really have all the right parts, but I got the ones that count! I have a camel toe." Hannah and Kurt looked at each other, "No, I'm serious!" She took off her shoe, to reveal... a camel's foot. "They replaced it with a camel toe." Hannah sighed in relief. "Okay! Well I'm going to go inside now. Tata!" With that said, Gwen entered the house.  
  
Katie was the third girl to meet Kurt, she had long brown curls and wore a pink outfit. "Hi, my name is Katie!" She giggled, "I'm sixteen!"  
  
Hannah thought for a minute, "Kurt is Twenty-one. Isn't that illegal?"  
  
Katie's smile turned into a frown, "Stop treating me like I'm young!"  
  
"You are young!" Hannah shot back at her.  
  
Katie started to cry, "You take that back! Or you'll regret it! I'm sick of people putting a label on me just because I'm young! I can be a skanky whore too!" She started to rub her ass against Kurt. Kurt blushed. "You like that don't you?" Katie asked, Kurt just nodded. Katie threw her arms in the air, "Oh Kurt! I want to ride you right now!" She grabbed her Barbie suitcase, and looked through her stuff, finally she took out a hello Kitty vibrator. "Ha!"  
  
Hannah was shocked, and disgusted. She shoved a fat censor sign over Katie. "You Missy, are a young whore. Get out of my sight!"  
  
Katie grabbed her things and hissed at Hannah, "You'll regret that!" and so, she went inside.  
  
Next, a pink haired girl skipped merrily up to Kurt. "Hi Kurt! I'm Lyla!"  
  
Kurt smiled, blushing a little.  
  
"I love flowers! Flowers are the ultimate good and weeds are the ultimate evil! Oh my goodness! There are some flowers now!" Without warning, Lyla ran out to the field and gathered the flowers. "Ah my precious beauties, we will all live together happily, as a family." She picked each flower and snorted them up her nose. "Ah, That's the good stuff!" Once she was done, she went inside.  
  
A blue haired girl followed, She stopped momentarily to introduce herself to Kurt and Hannah. "My name is Gina. I... uh, I'm a maid..." tears streamed down her cheek. "Oh cruel world! Why do I have to be a dork? Why am I related to Mary? WHY WHY WHY?!" Kurt wondered why she was talking to herself. Gina excused herself and went inside.  
  
The next girl was had brown hair and looked like a house wife. "Hi my name is Celia. I am oh-so-happy to meet you!" She squealed, "Well, no I'm not... but that's besides the point right?" She laughed. "I like working at the ranch... no I don't. I hate that bitch I work for, and I hope she croaks. Oh! Silly me, I am rambling. I must be going now, good day." Celia walked inside.  
  
Hannah was stunned, "These girls are freaks." Kurt nodded.  
  
A girl with short red hair and blue eyes was the next one to approach Kurt. "Hello you. I'm Nami." She turned to Hannah and suddenly anime hearts flew around her head. She licked Hannah's face breathing heavy. "I want you." Nami backed away slowly, giving Hannah a flirtatious wink.  
  
Hannah shuddered, "so... how about them apples?"  
  
Nami glared at her but seductively winked at the same time. This girl was talented! She slapped Hannah's rump and went inside.  
  
The last girl to arrive was Muffy, a blonde bimbo. She giggled and waved eagerly when she saw them. "Hi! Oh my goddess! This is like, a dream come true! To search for love on this very day!" She began to giggle, "Call me sweetiekins." And so, Muffy retired to go inside.  
  
Hannah turned to Kurt. "Let's go inside to pay the ladies another visit." The two went inside only to see chaos.  
  
"The light in this room is ruining my completion!" Dia complained, "Knock THE WALL DOWN!"  
  
And so, her servants including Gina knocked the wall down. Gina cried as she did so. "I hate this job! Oh cruel cruel world!"  
  
Katie was humping the chair, "Oh! Barney! Come on Barney! Harder! Bring Baby Bop into this trial of fun!"  
  
Lyla continued to sniff her flowers as Celia sat there starring at the wall.  
  
Nami looked over to Hannah and licked her lips. "Tonight" She mouthed.  
  
Hannah took Kurt aside. "Well it's time to eliminate three girls. Each girl wrote you a special letter. This is their plea to stay. Enjoy."  
  
Gina's letter:  
  
Oh why must I settle for this cruel job for that cruel woman!  
  
Oh how I hate my life  
  
You would only add to my sorrow.  
  
-Gina  
  
Lyla's letter:  
  
Flowers are fun.  
  
Love, Lyla  
  
Gwen's letter:  
  
I am so happy that you accept me for who I am!  
  
Remember the camel toe.  
  
~Gwen~  
  
Dia's letter:  
  
Dear Kurt,  
  
If you do not choose me you will die a painful death.  
  
Love (always),  
  
Dia  
  
Katie's letter:  
  
Hey! See I'm not that young!  
  
I'm sixteen and a HALF!  
  
Half more the whore, half more the fun!  
  
Love, Katie  
  
Muffy's letter:  
  
5+5= 35  
  
And Me+ You= LUV  
  
Nami's letter:  
  
Hey Kurt,  
  
I was wondering, what's Hannah's phone number? Just curious of course.  
  
I wont stalk her, don't worry.  
  
Nami  
  
Celia's letter:  
  
Today was fun.  
  
Well not really.  
  
I hope you choose me.  
  
Or I really don't care.  
  
Love (or not.)  
  
Celia(That's not my real name anyway)  
  
When Kurt was finished, he turned to Hannah and nodded. "It is now time for the weed ceremony." She brought him back inside.  
  
Kurt stood at the podium. He had said "eh" throughout the whole episode but no one had noticed. Of course, he was talkative today.  
  
Hannah narrated. "It is time for the weed ceremony. There are eight girls but only FIVE weeds."  
  
Kurt nodded, and grabbed the first weed. He pointed at Dia, mostly in fear.  
  
Dia smirked, "You DO NOT POINT AT ME! You HAND the weed to me." Kurt walked over to her and tossed it at her. "Weeds are gross, TAKE IT AWAY!"  
  
The next weed was for Gwen. Kurt made that clear when he pointed her out. Gwen got up and graciously accepted the weed. She ate it, in fact.  
  
The third weed was for Katie. Kurt smiled as Katie got up to accept her weed. "Thank you! See? Age does not matter!" She wiggled her butt and returned to her seat.  
  
Kurt pointed at Celia next. Celia smiled and grabbed her weed. "Thank you, wait no. It's a weed, so more like 'fuck you'"  
  
Hannah interrupted. "This is the final weed."  
  
The girls all bit their nails madly. Kurt sighed, and pointed to Lyla. Lyla got up and received her weed, snorting it up her nose like everything else.  
  
Muffy, Nami and Gina were left weedless.  
  
Gina sighed, "This is how life always goes for me. Why does life have to be so bad?" Gina cried. "Oh what a cruel fate I hold!"  
  
Nami cracked her knuckles. "I really wanted to get the know her-him. For now, I will remain a mystery though."  
  
Muffy cried into a pillow. "What's wrong with meeee? I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy! I put it all on the line and got nothing in return!" She sobbed even though she just met the guy.  
  
The three ladies walked out of the house and got on their designated donkeys.  
  
"Kurt is not my type anyway." Nami stated as she rode off.  
  
"Oh this horrible life I lead." Gina grunted and rode away.  
  
Muffy got on her donkey sadly, "Well here is a girl crushed. I hope you get ratings. At least I can watch myself get rejected on surround sound now!" with that said, Muffy rode off, unaware that she didn't own a television. 


	10. Round Two: Double Whammy

Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
~Five Girls, vying for Kurt's affection. Katie, Dia, Gwen, Lyla, and Celia~  
  
It was an early morning and Kurt was getting ready to go on the set dates. There would be two double dates, and one one-on-one date. Kurt had the decision of choosing who got which date. Debating it for a while, he finally reached the villa where the girls were staying and knocked. He held a card in a red ribbon and handed it to Celia as she opened the door. Celia looked at Kurt awkwardly but just shrugged and read the letter.  
  
"For the first double date, I choose Celia and Gwen. We will check out Jack's farm, and then retire to a night of passion." Celia blinked, "Sounds interesting, well not really. Maybe, well... no. Hold on a second, I have to get Gwen!" Celia ran inside, and dragged Gwen out kicking and screaming.  
  
"Oh. We're going on a date?!" Gwen perked up at this, "Let's get going!"  
  
The three of them walked down to Jack's farm occasionally making awkward conversation.  
  
"So yesterday, I was in the stable with one of Jack's horses, and oh my god he has the biggest-"  
  
"Gwen! That's enough!" Celia hushed her friend.  
  
"I was getting to the best part!" Gwen protested, "It was long and smooth and I wanted a ride."  
  
Celia rolled her eyes, "Gwen, that's enough! You're going to make Kurt jealous!"  
  
"Just because his isn't big, doesn't mean he'd be jealous automatically! I mean come on!" Gwen shook her head.  
  
Celia shrugged, "I guess. So what happened?"  
  
Gwen's eyes looked like she was in a dream, "I licked it, to taste the wax. Just as I suspected, he uses strawberry!"  
  
Kurt was beyond disturbed, what the hell were they talking about?  
  
"Oh I'm sorry Kurt!" Celia apologized, "We were talking about Jack's horse, and he has a new car."  
  
Kurt blinked, "His horse has a car?"  
  
Gwen nodded, "Yeah Jack bought it for him."  
  
Kurt sighed in relief; he had to get his mind out of the gutter. Gwen looked over to Celia and winked. "If you thought his car was great, you should have seen the backseat. Jack's horse gave me a private tour." Kurt wanted to vomit.  
  
The three reached Jack's farm, and Kurt wanted nothing more than to just run away. "I'm going to go visit Jack's horse, I owe him a private tutorial." With a wink, Gwen headed into the stable.  
  
Celia sighed, "I work on a farm, and I really don't want to be on one for a date. I mean, err... How nice."  
  
Kurt noticed an axe in the corner of his eye. He was trying so badly not to use it. Celia babbled on mindlessly, and Gwen eventually came out looking like a mess. "Man, his horse his big, if you catch my drift." Kurt felt like vomiting again, so the three headed off.  
  
--------------  
  
Kurt thought for a moment before knocking on the villa. When he decided, he knocked on the door and gave a golden envelope to Katie. Katie opened it, it read:  
  
"Katie and Lyla. Accompany me to the meadows for a fun date." Katie blinked, "Unless there are like, magical porn bushes there that sounds pretty boring." With a sigh, Katie retreated to go find Lyla. The two returned moments later ready for their date.  
  
As the three walked down the mountain, Lyla stopped every so often to pick some flowers. "Flowers! Flowers! Flowers are everywhere! Flowers! Flowers! Flowers are in my hair! Flowers! Flowers! Flowers resting on my ear! Flowers! Flowers! Do you fear?"  
  
Katie looked at Lyla strangely, "She's weird." Katie's attention drifted to Kurt, "So Kurt, I'm still in school, it might be a pedophile, I don't know what the age limit is here, but want to play 'teacher punishes naughty schoolgirl?" Kurt shook his head, desperately trying to get away. "Kiss me fool!" Katie jumped on Kurt's back, sending Kurt to run around madly.  
  
"Flowers!" Lyla did a cartwheel and landed on her butt. "I could spend every day of my life with these dearies." with that said, she began eating them. "I want to make sweet passionate love, I want to wed, and I want to make flower babies! Oh Mister Flower!"  
  
Kurt sighed and his feet completely stopped. "Why'd you stop! I want to ride you!" Katie screamed, "Come on bitch! Do it!"  
  
Kurt fell over, Katie hissed. "Fine! Be like that!" Lyla walked up to the two blinking. "Pretty!" She stuck a flower in Kurt's hair.  
  
------------  
  
It was time for the last one-on-one date. Kurt knocked on the door and a servant opened the door. "Dia is expecting you." Kurt walked inside, and was guided to a giant throne.  
  
"Sit FOOL!" Dia raised her fist.  
  
Kurt sat down. "While you're here, you can build me something pretty!" Kurt sighed, and grabbed some tools, he instantly started working. "That is UGLY! Start over!" She knocked the structure over. Kurt was almost crying now.  
  
"If you do not comply, you will DIE."  
  
---------------  
  
Hannah met Kurt outside, "It is time for a special weed ceremony. There are no letters this evening. Go inside and make your decision." Kurt nodded and headed inside.  
  
"There are five ladies, but only four weeds. One of you will be eliminated." Hannah announced, looking at the five girls. "Let us begin."  
  
Kurt thought for a moment and picked up the first weed, "Celia." Celia sighed in relief as she got up and grabbed her weed.  
  
The next weed was easy, it was coated in gold. "Dia." Dia stared at the weed.  
  
"Keep it peasant." Dia said, "Give it to my servant or something." Kurt complied with her wishes and picked up the next weed.  
  
"Katie."  
  
Katie got up and screamed for joy, she snatched her weed. "Yes! I will become the ultimate pokemon master!" Everyone stared at her strangely.  
  
It was now time for the last weed. Gwen and Lyla looked at each other sadly, they knew this time would come. He thought for a moment, and decided. "Gwen." Gwen got up and received her weed graciously.  
  
Kurt looked over to Lyla who was sitting alone, arms crossed, staring at the ground. "I'm sorry Lyla, it's your time to go."  
  
For once Lyla looked sad, but then an evil grin crossed her face. "First off, FLOWERS are so much better than weeds, and secondly I'm related to Popuri so expect to go to hell very soon." With that said, the teary eyed pink themed girl ran out.  
  
Lyla got on her donkey, "The flowers will get him. The flowers always have the final word. The flowers, yes, the flowers." With that creepy line said, Lyla rode off.  
  
Lyla was gone.  
  
---------------  
  
The four remaining girls clinked their champagne glasses in victory. "We made it to the final four!" They congratulated themselves.  
  
Kurt smiled, "Tomorrow I get to meet your folks." The girls all looked at each other nervously. "Oh I can't wait."  
  
----------  
  
Kurt walked up to Dia's mansion with a dozen roses on an early morning, he breathed deeply and knocked on the door. A maid with blue hair opened the door, she looked like an older version of Gina. "Hello dear, I'm Martha. Mistress Dia's maid. Can I help you?"  
  
"I'm here to uh, meet her folks." Kurt said sheepishly.  
  
"Oh..." Martha looked down sadly, "Sad story. She was mad at her parents for not building her mansion correctly so she killed them." Kurt felt a ball in his throat. "In fact, I live in fear every day. Dia can kill me at any moment."  
  
Suddenly Dia appeared at the door, "Talking on the job, Martha?" Dia grinned evilly and stuck her thumb down. Martha cried, as Dia laughed like a maniac. "Hope you have fun Martha, while you slowly... DIE!" Guards appeared out of nowhere and snatched Martha.  
  
"Too much sunlight! Too much ugly!" One servant closed the blinds, and the other one removed Kurt from the room.  
  
"Much better." Dia said pleased.  
  
--------------  
  
Kurt caught up with Gwen next, the two walked around town looking for her grandfather. "There he is!" She pointed him out, he was out with his apprentices. "Hi grandfather!"  
  
Woody eyed his granddaughter, "Ah its you! You crazy girl! Get away! You molested all of the animals! Please just get away!" With that said, he ran off crying.  
  
Gwen shrugged with a laugh, "Don't listen to him, he's... um, old."  
  
--------  
  
Next Kurt visited a huge ranch, Celia was tending to some animals. A huge woman was bossing her around. "When you're done here, you can CLEAN THE PEN! BAHAHAHA! They will never find out about the sweat shop I run." and so, the big woman retreated indoors.  
  
Celia broke down and cried, "I hate this place!" Kurt comforted her.  
  
"Once you have enough money, buy a gun and shoot her." Kurt reasoned to which Celia smiled.  
  
"Yes! Thanks Kurt! You always know just what to say!"  
  
"I try to talk as little as possible" Kurt nodded.  
  
---------  
  
Kurt was about to visit Katie, when suddenly Hannah stopped him. "Katie is the youngest, if you visit her, you can be arrested, called a pedophile and get you're ass kicked. I suggest you leave you alone this time. She wanted me to give you this." Hannah handed him a note.  
  
"Everyone thinks I'm a good little girl, they cannot know I am a whore until I have sex with you and get pregnant, I mean, until I become a woman. Thanks for understanding, Katie."  
  
Kurt shrugged, "That's one less house to visit."  
  
----------  
  
It was time for another weed ceremony. Kurt looked at the letters the girls sent him.  
  
Katie's letter:  
  
I know it's illegal  
  
But we must go on  
  
Get naughty.  
  
-Katie  
  
Dia's letter:  
  
Hello Scum.  
  
If you do not choose me I have the right to behead you.  
  
Think of the most glorious woman alive.  
  
Think of me.  
  
The one the only Dia.  
  
Celia's letter:  
  
hey. Well I know you said to wait till I had the money but I just killed her with a shovel.  
  
Hope you don't mind. We can bury her together on our next date,  
  
or not.  
  
Love, (not really) Celia (Not my real name.)  
  
Gwen's letter:  
  
I don't know what that old freak was talking about.  
  
I love animals.  
  
I love you too.  
  
Forever Eden is a hot new show,  
  
Gwen.  
  
Kurt nodded, and sighed. After making his decision he went inside. Hannah smiled. "Four ladies, only three weeds. Let the weed ceremony begin!"  
  
Kurt rubbed his hands together and grabbed a weed. "Dia."  
  
Dia grinned, "Servants, take the disgusting thing. Get it away." Dia's servants grabbed the weed and treasured it.  
  
Kurt took the next weed and thought for a moment before announcing his choice. "Katie."  
  
Katie jumped up happily, "YAY! I'm so happy!" She squealed as she received her weed and sat back down.  
  
It was now time to end it. Gwen or Celia?  
  
Kurt picked up the next weed. "Celia."  
  
Celia got up and accepted her weed. "Thanks, even though weeds are gross. I just want you to know I am not a murderer. We are a murderer as a team!" Everyone looked at her strangely.  
  
Gwen nodded, accepting her fate. As she got up to leave, she turned back to say her final goodbye. "By the way, I mated with the dog and he's pregnant! BWAHAHA!" and so, she headed out.  
  
Gwen got on the horse trying desperately not to be turned on. "This is hot baby!" with that said, Gwen left.  
  
Three girls remained. 


	11. Round Three: More Psychotic Dating

Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
Three Girls, vying for Kurt's affection. Katie, Dia and Celia

Kurt walked with his companion around the acres of her guardian's ranch. "Celia, I think I may be falling for you... but I'm not completely sure yet. I need some convincing." He had been dropping sexual hints throughout their time together but Celia was either too psychotic or too naïve to notice.  
  
Kurt and Celia were in the middle of their date when Celia mentioned something that stuck out like a sore thumb. "You know Kurt, I love you so much. You accept me for who I am with my faults. You know I killed my ex boyfriend, and you're fine with that. You know I murdered Vesta, and that's all right. Yesterday, while I was eating her fingernails in the bathtub I came to the realization that I might want to kill you some day. It pains me to think that I would have to plan your murder ahead of time, but at the same time... if we marry, I can finally call myself a black widow and take everything in your will. Cool, huh? Anyway, I've been thinking about getting you a gift, but I figured after I killed my only relatives, I should be the one getting gifts. Somehow, I'm grieving." She paused for a moment as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm not crazy... They'll never take me back..."  
  
Kurt looked at her dazed. "You're not crazy? Then, why did I pick you? Seriously, I'm having doubts now."  
  
Celia smiled psychotically. "Don't have those... I love you... actually I don't but it would be neat if I did because then if you rejected me I could come to your house with a hoe and cut off your penis. Speaking of which, I think Nami had one of those. Maybe she didn't, I could be mistaken. It was like a worm, it crawled into my suitcase. It was really weird but in a good way. Not like the way Vesta would dance, that was just messed up. You know?"  
  
"Uh... sure."  
  
Suddenly, the birds chirped madly. "This is not meant to be." Celia said abruptly. Kurt's expression hardened and he was clueless. "I'm sorry Kurt. You may have been my future Bonnie, as in Bonnie and Clyde. Maybe even my moth baby that I'd eat. But the birds don't like you... and as someone who is very in touch with nature, they are telling me leave now."  
  
Kurt sighed. "You cannot honestly feel that way..."  
  
Celia nodded. "I can. The birds. They speak to me. They told me to kill everyone, and now they are telling me to leave you. We had a wonderful connection and I could have murdered you someday... but I doubt that day will come. You are not special enough. The birds are angry, and when the birds are angry... I suffer. They are my only real friends. They kept secrets about how I used to dig up graves... oh crap, now you know. I guess I'll have to kill you anyway, consider yourself lucky." The birds flew around her, and she posed as a scarecrow. "They love me, they really do... I think they do. Don't they? Maybe they don't. I don't know, I'm conflicted. Fuck that, I'll get back to you on that one."  
  
Kurt nodded. "I'll see you at the final weed ceremony."  
  
Celia began to dance across the acres. "Look for the answers. The birds will have them." Her dance was some freaky interpretive dance, but it sent it's message. Despite what she said, Celia was a nutcase.  
  
Kurt spent his date with Katie walking around the park. He wanted to get feelings off of his chest before the weed ceremony. "Katie, I really like you but... I just think you're too young for me."  
  
And with that, Katie began to blubber like an infant. "That's not true! I'm a grown up! I can do grown up things! I once had sex with a homeless man! He paid me in twenties!" Kurt didn't understand the term 'twenties' as their only source of currency was gold. "Kurt, I am told that I'm really mature for my age... I mean, look at us right here. We connect. It's magical. I feel like a princess... like angel princess Barbie, even. It truly is a dream."  
  
Kurt sighed. "But... is there more to you than just the little girl? I feel like such a pedophile..."  
  
Katie hissed at him. "I don't care what you think!" She chased him around the park immaturely, threatening to hit him. "You know what? I am very mature. I am like... more mature than you are, so there! What do you want? An old woman who's turning thirty? That's so last year, and totally just wrong." Kurt eyed her for a second. "I want you to hump me. Please?"  
  
Kurt looked at her awkwardly. "Katie, I'll probably be arrested because you're jailbait."  
  
Katie began to cry again, then turned her expression into a flirty pout. "Fine. Spank me. I've been a naughty girl."  
  
Kurt sighed sheepishly. "That's all right, I'll pass."  
  
"Pass the salt shaker!" She groped him, and he pushed her away. "You don't want some sugar, baby?"  
  
Kurt shook his head. "It just feels wrong. I'd want to sugar if it was older maybe?"  
  
Katie nodded. "Consider me expired then. Now, I can lift my legs over my head." She giggled. "I knew that would come in handy when we... you know. When you put your thingy in mine. Can my furbies watch?"  
  
Kurt blinked. "I... uh... I have to go." Kurt spent his final date at a fancy restaurant. The two were waiting for their food...  
  
Dia groaned in disapproval as she spotted her suitor. "Ugh, you didn't even wear a tie, you stupid lout. I despise you. You disgust me and when I am in your presence I want to vomit. That is not nice, I will sentence you to death if I actually do vomit so... watch yourself."  
  
Kurt sighed. "I'm sorry?"  
  
Dia rolled her eyes. "What a pathetic apology. You puny poor worthless human. What are you worth? A million dollars? Ha! Pocket change!" She snapped her fingers and two servants arrived by her side. "I need some food now. Find out what is taking them so long. If the food is not prepared, be sure to cut off their heads."  
  
Kurt gulped as her servants ran into the back. "That was... nice."  
  
Dia glared at him. "Oh, you're still here are you? Yes well... you are ugly. Ugliness is bad for me, you see. It burns my eyes and burning eyes are not so pleasurable. So, wear this." Dia stuck a lampshade on Kurt's head. "Yes, much better. So delightful. I bought this in Tokyo. The woman who sold it was such a hag, she claimed it was too precious to her to sell because the maker was her father and he died or something... what a fool." Dia laughed. "Naturally I got my bodyguards to cripple her."  
  
Kurt gulped once again, beneath the lampshade he was actually crying. "Right... naturally."  
  
Dia glared at random people in the restaurant. "They are making me feel uncomfortable. Get rid of them. NOW." Soon, everyone was carried off and only Dia and Kurt remained in the restaurant. "Do you think I'm beautiful and gorgeous and simply stunning?"  
  
Kurt shrugged. "Sure." He couldn't even see her.  
  
"Go on. Explain how I'm beautiful and don't be cheap with your grace or else you will suffer the same fate as our dear friend Martha..." Dia cackled.  
  
Kurt bit his lip. "You're kind. You're... wonderful. You should be one of the world wonders."  
  
Dia nodded. "You're absolutely correct." Dia flipped open her cell phone. "I should be a world wonder, make me one NOW."  
  
Kurt struggled to be strong. This would be a long date.  
  
Dia, Celia and Katie sat around a large table. "We're the final three." Celia announced. "If one of you dies mysteriously, just know that... I didn't do it." She shifted her glance off to the side. "The pigeons have not expressed themselves on you two yet, but may the best woman win. Of course, if one of you win the woman will be a corpse." She laughed as if it were a funny joke. 

Dia glared at the brunette. "You are not funny. I do not like bad-funny. Now, I am bored and I need entertainment and I'm not entertained in five seconds, there will be hell to pay. Five-Four-Three-Two--"  
  
"I think my cartoons are on, excuse me." Katie left the table politely and ran into the other room. Dia fumed, and Celia simply looked around the room strangely.  
  
"The pigeons told me that you are a ruthless woman." Celia noted, referring to Dia.  
  
Dia smiled. "Well, the pigeons are envious little ingrates now aren't they?"  
  
Celia shook her head. "No. They are what they are." And with that said, their little meeting was adjourned.  
  
Kurt arrived to the weed ceremony. Strangely, the host Hannah was nowhere in sight. It was said that she had a horrible past with birds and she just so happened to talk to Celia that very morning...  
  
"Welcome to the weed ceremony!" One of the producers placed a cardboard cut out of the host onto the set, and another mimicked her voice. Unfortunately, the person mimicking her voice was a man with a very thick Russian accent. "Now, here are the letters." The staff tilted the cardboard picture to set the illusion that Hannah was giving Kurt the letters. Kurt read them quietly...  
  
Celia's letter:  
  
Hi Kurt.  
I have heard from the greater birds that you are all right for now.  
You may just be in a casket sooner than you think.  
I love you... or do I? I really don't know.  
Do I know? Maybe, what am I talking about?  
  
Love (never!)  
Celia. (That's my name, don't wear it out.)  
  
Katie's letter:  
  
Kurt!  
I am so much older and mature than you think!  
Kthxbye.  
  
Dia's letter:  
  
Kurtis.  
I will not even waste my time with this you pathetic lump of coal.  
Choose me or suffer a cruel fate.  
Your queen,  
Dia.  
  
Once he was done, he handed them to someone from the staff. The ceremony had begun. Cheap soft core porno music played in the background as he picked up the first weed.  
  
"Queen Dia."  
  
Dia snapped her fingers and the weed was collected by one of her servants. The other two waited nervously for the results. Celia was rolling around, chirping while Katie cried intensely.  
  
Kurt picked up the second weed.  
  
"Celia."  
  
Celia grabbed her weed, and nodded. "Yes. You are in the cards after all..."  
  
Katie sat alone, she was the odd girl out this time.  
  
"Katie. You are just too young for me."  
  
Katie tried to hold back more tears but to no avail. She got up. "You're no Ken! You're more like... baby sister Kelly, or Skipper. She's the ugly one. Yeah, you're her!" With that said, Katie walked out.  
  
Katie got atop her donkey. "Goodbye. I'll see you when I'm twenty and I'm old!"  
  
Katie rode off.  
  
Two ladies remained.


	12. Round Four: Finale

Harvest Moon: The Bachelor  
  
Two Girls, vying for Kurt's affection. One will be left broken hearted and the other will be his bride. Dia or Celia?

The show started like the finales of past seasons had. The "Women tell all" special. Of course, a new host was the obvious difference this season. Former bachelor Jack sat in a big red chair with his Latin lover Jeff. The two snuggled together as Jack started his hosting duties. "Hello everyone! Welcome to Harvest moon: The bachelor! It's finale night. A night I know all too well. As usual we will hear from the eliminated ladies before starting the finale. We'll hear their take on things. Unfortunately, the usual host Hannah is not here. She's dead." Getting a signal from the producer, Jack realized he had said too much. "Dead stuck, that is! She's in the middle of traffic and won't be able to be here this evening." Awkward laughter followed. "Now without further ado, let's bring out the ladies of this season!"  
  
The six ladies walked out on stage. "They are: Muffy, Nami, Gina, Lyla, Gwen, and Katie!" The audience cheered. When the ladies took their seats, Jack started the questioning. "Katie, you were the last girl to be eliminated. How are you feeling?"  
  
Katie smiled, twirling a strand of hair. "I feel great! Why wouldn't I?"  
  
Jack hesitated. "Well you were dumped on national television. Were you hurt when he rejected you?"  
  
Looking around confused, she remained smiling. "No. I had a fun time, and the only reason why I even got on the show is because I wanted to be on television and last week when I watched the show, there I was! So it was a lot of fun."  
  
Jack sighed. He wanted to pry deeper. "How did you feel before the shopping spree? Were you upset?"  
  
Katie shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
Jack stared at her blankly. "Okay, we're not going anywhere with this are we?"  
  
Suddenly the lights went out, and a scream was heard. When the lights were back on, Katie was lying on the floor lifeless.  
  
A young woman raised her arm from the audience. "It was Jack, on the stage, with a magic stick!"  
  
Jack's eyes bulged. "This is not a game! She's really dead! Somebody should help her..."  
  
The woman looked confused. "So this is not a murder mystery?"  
  
Crickets chirped and a tumble weed passed.  
  
"It IS a murder mystery!" The producer said, smiling awkwardly. Two men came in and dragged out the body. "This is just a prank we played. Heh... She really is safe."  
  
Jack looked frantic. "Where is she? I swear that was her. She was murdered!"  
  
The producer glared at Jack. "Indeed, whoever sold her that sweater surely murdered her reputation."  
  
Jack shook his head crying. "No, she died!"  
  
The producer nodded. "Yes, she dyed her hair. How observant. Now let's continue with the interviews."   
  
Traumatized, Jack ran off stage screaming.  
  
The producer shrugged and took Jack's seat. "I guess I'll be taking over this job until he gets back. He had to go to the bathroom, that's why he was screaming..." He shuffled his glance from side to side, then continued the interviews. "Gwen, while you were on the show people compared you to Ann, now known as the animal rapist of Flowerbud. What do you think of these comparisons?"  
  
Gwen beamed. "Oh wow, what a compliment. Well, when I hear people comparing me to her I'm quite flattered. I'm actually planning to open an animal rescue center and I'd love it if she'd come and visit sometime."  
  
"Sounds delightful." The producer looked at the giant cue card with his next question. It was quite obvious he was reading, as his voice was monotone. "Now... is that an r? Okay. Uh... Gwen, you made the final four. How did you feel when you were rejected?"  
  
Gwen sighed. "I was disappointed but I've learned to cope with it. He's a loser anyway."  
  
The next question was directed to Lyla. "You have a very lovely singing voice, and a real knack for writing songs. Are you planning to get into the music industry?"  
  
Lyla looked surprised by his question. "Yes, I am. Right now I'm a florist but they say it's a great stepping stone for getting into the music industry. Florists are hot."  
  
"Can you give us a treat, right now?"  
  
Lyla giggled. "Well okay." She stood and the lights dimmed. "I am beautiful! I am free! I can see! I'm a flower! I take showers! Oh look, a bird! You are a turd! What a nerd! Word!"  
  
The audience applauded politely.  
  
Suddenly, Lyla ripped off her long gown and revealed a glittery red bodysuit. The lights flickered and she danced wildly. "And they say! Hey! Isn't it May? Yay! I know a guy named Gray! Down by the bay! I am free!"  
  
Lyla was escorted off stage. Silence filled the studio. "Okay, well... Nami. We haven't seen you since the very first episode. What are you up to now?"  
  
Nami glared at him. "You're weird."  
  
Coughing was heard from the audience.  
  
"Where did the girl go? I liked her better." Nami groaned. "You're just... weird."  
  
More coughing was heard.  
  
Muffy smirked. "Don't worry Mister host-man, I like you better." She giggled and winked flirtatiously at him. "Room 111 at the Inn, don't forget."  
  
Cough. Cough. Cough.  
  
"Oh my goodness, will you people just SHUT THE FUCK UP." The producer lashed out. "Err... I mean, it's time for predictions! Who will Kurt choose? Katie, who do you think he will choose?" Realizing he had just asked a lifeless corpse, he continued. "Okay, thank you. Lyla, who do you think he'll choose?" Remembering Lyla was escorted off stage, he mentally kicked himself. Two strikes. "Gwen?"  
  
"I think he'll choose Romana's cat."  
  
"Okay then. Nami? Muffy? Gina? Predictions?"  
  
Nami crossed her arms. "I still think you're weird."  
  
Muffy giggled. "I don't really care who he chooses, but won't you choose room 111?"  
  
Gina sobbed. "This is the first line I received in this entire finale, and it will be my last! Oh cruel fate of mine..."  
  
The producer nodded. "Okay then, thank you ladies for absolutely nothing. Now, let's get on with the show!"  
  
Finale.  
  
Celia.  
  
Kurt escorted Celia off the boat as they reached their destination: Flower Bud Village. Walking along the docks, Kurt noted how small and quaint the beach was. Completely deserted from any form of life. "I guess We'll be spending the day here. What do you want to do first?"  
  
Celia looked around, a delirious look in her eye. "I think we should find a virgin to sacrifice and bathe in her blood."  
  
Kurt was stunned. "Uh... We could do that but let's go for a walk around town first. What do you say?"  
  
Celia smiled. "Okay! Sounds like fun! Well, no it actually doesn't. I hate it here already. Do you like seeing me upset? I'm not even all that upset. Well... maybe I am. I don't quite know yet, ask me again in an hour." She stared blankly at the water. Kurt stood beside her awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Well, aren't we going to find a virgin?"  
  
The two walked up the trail from the beach and immediately noticed a ranch. A young redheaded girl was feeding animals. Celia's eyes widened. "Her. She's a virgin. I want her."  
  
Kurt looked at her strangely. "How can you tell?"  
  
Celia inhaled the cold air. "I can smell it. Now, take her."  
  
"Take her?"  
  
Celia was growing impatient. "We don't have all day. Well, we actually do. But I don't feel like waiting. You know what happens when I have to wait?" Her tone was threatening and sent him running into the fields to speak with the redheaded girl. Celia wore her sick smile. When Kurt returned, he shrugged. "Well?"  
  
Kurt sighed. "She wasn't interested."  
  
Celia's face twisted. "That cannot be. She's just afraid. I can smell her fear."  
  
Kurt shrugged. "I think she used the miracle cow potion on herself."  
  
Celia's face saddened. "Oh. I see. That must be it. Well, we must find a virgin before night falls."  
  
Next, they noticed a nerdy looking librarian. She made her way down the trail to the beach. She looked uptight. Kurt also noticed she looked rather shy. "What about her?"  
  
Celia shook her head. "No. She's no virgin. That's a whore if I ever saw one."  
  
A drunk brunette singing gibberish was their next find. She had blonde highlights that she insisted were real, despite how odd it seemed. She was barely dressed in her lingerie when they noticed her screeching. Her brown hair was messy, and her eyes glazed. Kurt dismissed the girl. "She looks like a hooker."  
  
"No. She's a virgin." Celia noted. "She's the one I want."   
  
Kurt approached the girl. "Hi there."  
  
"Don't talk to me so much!" She snapped at him.  
  
Kurt backed away slowly. "I don't think she really wants to join us."  
  
Celia grinned. "Hello Karen."  
  
The girl shrieked in horror. "How did you know my name?"  
  
Celia's face dimmed. "I'm not a stalker per se. More like an observer."  
  
Karen looked relieved, obviously satisfied from the half assed answer. "Oh. Okay!"  
  
Celia nodded. "We were wondering if you'd like to join us. Would it be much trouble if I were to murder you and bathe in your blood?"  
  
Karen looked at Celia cautiously. "Well, no. But..."  
  
"But?"  
  
Karen sighed. "I'd like to have a drink before. You know, it being my last day alive and all."  
  
Celia nodded. "I suppose I understand."  
  
After Karen had her final beer, the trio retreated back to the beach to perform the ceremony.  
  
Celia closed her eyes and raised her arms in the air. "Pigeons, can you hear me?" Just then, a swarm of pigeons covered the woman from head to toe. The two bystanders watched on mesmerised. "The pigeons have spoken, and they have told me... that on a Sunday, filled with winter's grace and yellow frost... the blood of a maiden will fall upon this beach." Celia's eyes fluttered open. "Virgin. We can not do this ritual tonight for it is not Winter. But I will be back. If Kurt chooses me, We will get married and I will murder him. Then I will return in winter, until then dear maiden. Goodbye."  
  
Celia snatched Kurt's hand. "Ouch, easy on the grip there..."  
  
"Silence fool. It is time for us to depart this world now." Celia beamed. Kurt stood beside her afraid of what was to come...  
  
Dia.  
  
Dia was disgusted when they reached their destination: Mineral Town. Kurt guided her off the boat and onto the docks. He noticed that the beach here was much larger and busier. "Well, here we are!"  
  
Dia groaned. "This is horrid."  
  
Greg the fisherman greeted them as they stepped onto the sandy beach. "Well aren't you a ray of sunshine?" Dia growled. "Do you not recognize me? I'm Greg. I was on Mineral Idol. I made the top one hundred. You are speaking to a celebrity."  
  
Dia suddenly looked pleased. "A celebrity? How wonderful."  
  
Kurt squinted, trying to remember Greg. "I'm sorry. I don't remember you at all. I have cable, and I watched that show religiously. You weren't on it. You were not on a single episode. If I'm not mistaken, they have a website for it we can search for you on..."  
  
Greg huffed. "Are you calling me an impostor? I am so insulted! Would you like to buy this fishing rod?"  
  
Kurt shook his head. "I am calling you an impostor! And anyway, there was no top one hundred. There are only like twenty people in Mineral Town." Pausing for a moment, he continued. "And yes, I would love to buy that fishing rod."  
  
Dia's face stiffened. "You mean he lied about being famous?" Dia's eyes burned with fury. "You will pay the ultimate price with your life. Guards, kill him now!" Two men stormed into the scene and took him away. Dia smiled cruelly. "I cannot stand liars. Especially if they are poor. Now, let me burn his picture." She grabbed a portrait of Greg that she had purchased on ebay. She didn't know how she knew she would eventually need it, but was grateful she did. Lighting a match, she set it on fire.  
  
Kurt stared blankly. "Don't you think this is unnecessary?"  
  
Dia hissed. "I hate impostors!" With that, she gathered his birth certificate and other forms of personal identification and put it into a pile. Then she threw his fishing rod on top of it. "I am enjoying this." She lit yet another match, and burned the pile of things. Greg was gone, as was any proof he even existed.  
  
Kurt cried hysterically. "I don't mind you getting him killed but did you have to burn the fishing rod too?"  
  
Dia clenched her fists. "Shut up peasant. I've had enough of this garbage town. Get me out of here!"   
  
Kurt scurried back into the boat as Dia looked around one last time. "Good riddance, Now... raid this village!"  
  
Weed Ceremony  
  
In a confessional, Dia revealed what was on her mind. "I'm not nervous at all. If he doesn't pick me, I'll send someone to kill him... and burn his portrait. Perhaps if there's time, I can find one on ebay..."  
  
Celia's thoughts were much different. "I'm anxious to get tonight over with. I look forward to sitting in the moonlight with a pigeon on my shoulder while eating Kurt's eyelids. Ah, paradise."  
  
The scene was poorly decorated once again. This time, instead of raping the Halloween décor, the producers used old Christmas lights and a tree that shed a trail of leaves through town. Also, a giant life sized Santa that was said to be an actual person.  
  
Kurt stood at his post under the mistletoe, waiting for the ladies to arrive. He was nervous, but excited at the same time.  
  
The first donkey appeared in the distance. It was time.  
  
Dia got off her donkey. She wore a smug expression on her face. "I hope you bought me a beautiful ring. Nothing cheap or fake goes on these fingers."

Kurt smiled nervously. "Hello Dia."  
  
Dia glared at him. "What did you call me?"  
  
"I mean Queen Dia of all that is b-beautiful." Kurt stuttered.  
  
Dia was satisfied with this. "That's much better."  
  
Kurt sighed. "You're rich, you're beautiful, you'll likely have me killed if I don't choose you but..." Dia's eyes watched him intensely. "You're a bitch."  
  
Everything went black.  
  
Celia got off her donkey gracefully. She took her place beside him, her eyes wide and shifting from side to side. "Hello precious one."  
  
"Hi Celia." Kurt took a deep breath. "You know I adore you, and any day of the week I'd love to help you murder someone and eat their toenails with you but..."  
  
"But?"  
  
"I hate pigeons."  
  
An audible gasp was heard.  
  
The scene went dark and everything turned black.  
  
Kurt had made his decision, it wasn't an easy one either. "I'm sorry, but I don't think this will work out. I'm eliminating you."  
  
Dia was angrier than ever. "You're eliminating me? You're eliminating me?!" She stomped her foot. "I will not accept that! Do you know who I am? You'll be sorry..." She took out a photograph of Kurt. "I'm going to burn this, and you know what? I'll enjoy it. You're ugly, you're poor and you do not photograph well. Good riddance! Guards, you know what to do..." Dia turned around and smiled to the cameras. "You see that? He didn't choose the beautiful smart rich one. That is what crack does to you." Muttering curses under her breathe, she held her smile and walked off. Kurt's screams were heard, then some negotiating from the producers.  
  
"If you kill him once the show is finished filming, we'll even help."  
  
"Deal."  
  
The scene went back to the one between him and Celia.  
  
Celia sobbed lightly. "You should have told me, but I forgive you. You won't be with the pigeons much where you're headed anyway."  
  
Kurt hugged her. "Celia. I choose you."   
  
Celia nodded. "Good. Now Let's go. Our virgin is waiting." The two walked off together, arm in arm.  
  
The Bachelor had ended.  
  
Kurt and Celia were now a couple.  
  
Dia was still a raving spoiled bitch from satan.  
  
And, the others are currently residing at a mental institution.  
  
With the exceptions of Hannah and Katie, who were killed during the show's process. But we are proud to say no pigeons were hurt during the making of this show.  
  
THE END.


End file.
